S U I T - A Parody of A L I E N

Not really Babylon 5 related, until you read it [img]http://www.firstones.com/forums/smile.gif[/img]
I havnt checked spelling or anything so please excuse any mistakes.
Also, if its not suitable I will remove it.

In Space, no one can hear the lawsuits...

Somewhere in deepspace a ship travels, the Nostromo and aboard are
the seven crew members, frozen in stasis for the journey back to Earth.
Their sleep was interupted, something caused the computer to revive
the programers: Dallas, Kain, Ripley, Ash, Lambert, Parker and Brett.
The sleeping pods open and slowly they woke up.

An hour or so later, they were sat in the cramped meeting area.
"We arn't back at Earth yet, it seems that the computer has
detected a distress signal and woke us up. Now before you start saying
anything, we will get paid for this and its also in the company rules."
Captain Dallas explained.

Sometime later, the Nostromo set down on the planets surface, then after
suiting up, Dallas, Kain and Lambert stepped out into the harsh dust
storm raging and headed towards the signal.

After hours of walking and climbing, they saw something in the distance.
The storm had calmed down a bit, making things easier to see. It was a
crashed ship, as they got closer they could see Yosemite written along
its hull. They entered through a large crack in the hull. The inside of
the ship was quite dark but they could still see enough to know where to
go.

Back on the Nostromo, Ripley had been trying to decode the distress
signal and she had found something she didnt like. She tapped the comm
panel and spoke,
"Ash, I dont think its a distress signal, it looks like a warning.
I'm going out there."
"Whats the point?" came the reply, "I mean, by the time you get
there wont they know if its a warning or not?"

Kain was the first to find it, a large room, in the center was a large
chair containing the bones of a human. On closer inspection they found
a large hole in his rib cage. The next thing to be found was a shaft in
the floor. After setting up a frame and winch, Kain was lowered down on
a rope.

He emerged in a large chamber with large pits in the floor. Each one
was covered in a blue mist. He landed softly on the wall between 2 of
the pits and looked into the closest one.
"Im in some kind of chamber, there are pits filled with what
look like cases. I'm going to have a closer look." He knelt down and
started to lean foward. His hand touched the blue mist which seemed
to react to his touch. He slipped and fell through the mist, landing
right next to one of the cases. Kain stood and touched it, causing it
to open instantly. Something jumped out at his helmet and he screamed.
Dallas and Lambert pulled him back up with the rope.

When they returned to the Nostromo, Ripley awnsered their request to
enter.
"What happened to Kain?" She asked.
"Some kind of legal document has attached itself to his face,
we have to get him in side,"
"Wait a minute, what kind of legal document?"
"Come on he could die if we dont get him to medbay!"
"We could all die if I let you bring in unknown legal material,"
Ripley said, but Ash manually opened the airlock and let Dallas and
Lambert in.

Ripley wasnt happy about what Ash had done, she was going to yell at
him but stopped when she saw Kain in the medbay with Dallas and Ash.
She joined the others at the window and watched.

"Maybe if we cut it off?" Dallas suggested.
"That could kill him, the scans show its feeding him oxygen,"
Ash responded.
"I dont care, get it off him. I'll take full responsiblity."
Ash got several tools and returned.
"If I cut it here..." he gestured with the laser cutting knife
he had just picked up, then pressed it against the paper. Instantly,
several legal terms in liquid form spewed out onto the floor, melting
through 3 decks before finally stopping.
"Thats a wonderful defence mechanism, you dont dare kill it,"
Parker said.

Sometime later, after launching from the planet and heading back to
Earth, the legal papers had dropped off and burnt. Kain had woken
up soon after that and couldn't remember anything except an unpleasent
dream about a courtcase. They were all sat around the dining table,
the last meal before going back into cryo.
"When I get back to Earth, I'm gonna get some real food then..."
he stopped suddenly and the others looked at him as he clutched his
chest, falling onto the table.
"He's choking, get some water!"
They rolled him onto his back and he started shaking violently, a red
patch appeared. Lambert screamed and she moved back, everyone else
just looked in shock. The shaking started again and finally stopped
with the sound of cracking bones and a head poped out of Kain's chest.
More of the creature came out, revealing itself to be a small lawyer.
It pulled itself out and ran off down the corridor.

Kain's body had been blasted into space and the search for the unwanted
visitor began. Brett was looking for the cat so it could be put somewhere
safe and not show up on motion scans. He saw it and moved closer. The cat
started to move towards him, then growled, moving back behind a crate.
Brett turned and saw the lawyer standing there and much bigger than before.
He screamed as it sued him for improper petcare. By the time Ripley and
Parker arrived there was no sign of Brett or the Lawyer.

Dallas was the next to go, he was declared guilty of owning a weapon without
the proper licence. This gave Ripley full access to the computer. After
doing some checking, she found something she did not like at all.

Priority Message from Havas to Science Officer Ash.
Make sure Yosemite is no longer functional and retrieve Lawyer.
Crew Expendable.

"There is a perfectly reasonable explaination for this," Ash said
from her side. She jumped, then turned to him.
"I'm going to tell the others," She stood and headed down the corridor.
The door closed infront of her, she turned and tried another with the same
result.
"Ash, open the door," she ordered, but he kept coming towards her.
"Ash, open the damn door!" she yelled, but he just grabbed her and
started to choke her. There was a thump and Ash started making a screeching
sound, Parker stood behind him with a crowbar and watched Ash start to spew
white blood everywhere. With another thump, Ash's head came off and he fell
to the floor.
"He was a robot, sent by the damn company!" Parker hissed angrily.

Ripley, Parker and Lambert sat at the table again, they had told Lambert
what happened.
"We should take our chances in the shuttle and blow the ship,"
Ripley suggested, the others agreed.
"I'll get it started up, you two get supplies. Then we can set
the autodestruct and get out of here."

Parker and Lambert reached the cargobay and loaded up a cart full of food,
oxygen tanks and various other items that could be useful. They didn't
notice a shadow moving. First it came towards Parker.
"What's this? Theft?" the Lawyer said, killing Parker instantly with
a court order demanding compensation. Lambert screamed.
"And an accomplice."

Ripley ran to the cargobay but was too late. She quickly got the cart moving
to the shuttle and threw the carts contents inside. She activated the ship's
destruct sequence from the engineering level and ran back to the shuttle,
grabbing the cat on the way.

The shuttle launched quickly and the Nostromo exploded behind it. Ripley had
escaped. She started getting prepared to go into the shuttle's cryo pod when
she heard the Lawyer's voice.
"You are being sued by Havas for destruction of one of their M-class
starfreighters."
She stepped back, towards the closet with the spacesuit in. She quickly
put it on while the Lawyer watched, he obviously hadn't seen a woman getting
changed before. She jabbed the hatch release and grabbed hold of the control
panel. The lawyer was blasted out into space and burnt by the engines of the
shuttle.

Just before entering the cryo pod, Ripley recorded a message, she explained
what happened, what the company had done and how the lawyer had died, then
finished with: "This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off."

The End, for now.

------------------
"Playing computer and video games doesnt create murderers and terrorists....cancelling computer and video games creates them." -Me-