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bah...whats wrong. (For those that wanted to know)
A2597
Fanboy
in Zocalo v2.0
Sorry about the outburst a couple weeks ago. But for those that wanted to know WTF is up with me. Have at it.
I'm seriously depressed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually dead. I fake emotion because I should, but all I feel is emptiness. It's been months, maybe early last fall, since I felt happy. I mean, short moments that last an hour or two where I have a good time, sort of forget my worries. But actually happy?
About two months ago I finally hit rock bottom. Finally just broke down. And I havn't budged since. Supposedly once you hit the bottom things start to get better, but they havn't. Inside I'm just at dead as I was.
And I hate it. But I can't seem to pull myself up at all. Everything I've done lately has been reaction, I've kept myself busy so as not to give myself time to think, because when I do, I just feel...lost, empty. So I just focus on work, on projects, school, writing, anything that keeps me busy.
And when it comes to sleep. Well, I don't really. I mean, I do, for a few hours. Or more sometimes, but when it's more it's always restless sleep. I wake up more tired then when I went to bed. Then go back to work and repete the process.
All I want is to gain some direction, some purpose again. regain emotion...empathy...joy. Joy would be nice.
I dunno if it's just stress, or what. But there you have it. I'm a shell of a man pretending nothings wrong, and I guess I've done a good job. The only person that really seems the least bit consernced about my, of all people, is my girlfriend Amy. I kinda think she knows somethings wrong, but I shall not tell her, she has enough on her plate already.
What upsets me is until recently, I can't remember a time when I was not, honestly, truly, happy. I had brief moments where I was upset, though I don't think those ever lasted more than 10 minutes. And knowing that just makes it worse when I don't feel like that.
gah...oh well. There you have it. You wanted to know, now you know.
I'm seriously depressed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually dead. I fake emotion because I should, but all I feel is emptiness. It's been months, maybe early last fall, since I felt happy. I mean, short moments that last an hour or two where I have a good time, sort of forget my worries. But actually happy?
About two months ago I finally hit rock bottom. Finally just broke down. And I havn't budged since. Supposedly once you hit the bottom things start to get better, but they havn't. Inside I'm just at dead as I was.
And I hate it. But I can't seem to pull myself up at all. Everything I've done lately has been reaction, I've kept myself busy so as not to give myself time to think, because when I do, I just feel...lost, empty. So I just focus on work, on projects, school, writing, anything that keeps me busy.
And when it comes to sleep. Well, I don't really. I mean, I do, for a few hours. Or more sometimes, but when it's more it's always restless sleep. I wake up more tired then when I went to bed. Then go back to work and repete the process.
All I want is to gain some direction, some purpose again. regain emotion...empathy...joy. Joy would be nice.
I dunno if it's just stress, or what. But there you have it. I'm a shell of a man pretending nothings wrong, and I guess I've done a good job. The only person that really seems the least bit consernced about my, of all people, is my girlfriend Amy. I kinda think she knows somethings wrong, but I shall not tell her, she has enough on her plate already.
What upsets me is until recently, I can't remember a time when I was not, honestly, truly, happy. I had brief moments where I was upset, though I don't think those ever lasted more than 10 minutes. And knowing that just makes it worse when I don't feel like that.
gah...oh well. There you have it. You wanted to know, now you know.
Comments
Some questions:
You already said you're not getting enough sleep. What about eating? Are you getting enough of the nutrional stuff (and no, twinkies don't count)?
I'm not a doctor, but you should make sure you rule out the simple stuff before getting too worried. It could be that you're simply exhausted. It could be you've depleted your body and need to recharge with some good nutrients.
It could also be you've overtaxed your mind or spirit. From your other posts, you sound maxed out, time-wise. Do you ever get any down time, just you?
Don't be a stranger, though I know this board takes even more time that you probably don't have.
For me, the best way I have been able to beat it is venting for starters. Just get it out in the open, tell people about it, even if its on a forum just get it out in the open. I tried Zoloft once, not really sure if it helped or not. I dont know jack about chemical imbalances and what it does to help correct them, but hey to some people its the miracle drug, you might want to talk to your doctor.
Finally, find out what it is that you did or have done that makes you happy. I know its hard when your depressed, because when your depressed all you can seem to remember is being depressed. This is where talking comes into play, other people especially close friends and loved ones can help you remember when you were happy. When you find it, do it.
I know its not as easy as it sounds, and I have fought it a couple of times myself. Just get a little change of pace.
I don't know much about your situation, but I hope you find a way out of this.
It is a nice thing knowing that things cannot get worse, just better :D
Until people started to tell me how much they liked the stuff I created. I started to get back my feeling of self worth. That was my turning point.
So, I dont know if it will help you, but it did help me: Work with your hands, create, write if you want to. Just get it out somehow if you cant do it with words.
Havent sorted my immediate health problems yet, but long term things are beginning to look up again. Pending an official application, I've been accepted for a transfer to Aberdeen Uni to do Geology and Petroleum Geoscience, which is a much better course for me than that here in Edinburgh. It's also near to home, so it'll be much cheaper to live there.;)
In a way Im glad I hit rock bottom recently, otherwise I'd not be going home!:)
All you need to do is hold out a little longer brother. It'll turn around eventually, it always does
I've been wondering where you went to since you vanished, especially since you also stopped showing up on ICQ.
I did notice you've changed, and it started about the time you left home for college. You haven't been the same since - and it almost sounds like overwork and under sleep. Try cutting back on classes to the minimum you're allowed to take to stay a full time student. Reduce that stress and leave yourself time to do things you enjoy doing, and then force yourself to do those. You said you're trying to stay busy, but that could be the exact cause of your depression: you're TOO busy and not letting yourself ever recover from being that busy. As bobo said, get enough sleep and food and it helps:)
Other's here have more knowledge about this sort of thing than me, so I'll let them talk.
Summer was pretty bad, that one design class that kept me busy about 20 hours a day, if not more. Only reason it didn't kill me was one of my "friends" (Who later stabbed me in the back, jerk) forced me to eat once a day. Didn't have time to do so, but oh well.
Then the summer job, which was a 24/7 a day resident manager position. Gah. Bad decision.
Then fall semester, I think a mere 16 credits, but art/design classes are always heavy on homework.
Oh yea, started work on a new buisness at that point.
Then this semester, 17 creds + 3 non-credited hours for 20 hours work, plus starting/started my own buisness. (Geeks2Go LLC, operating in St. Augustine as computer repair, and print/web design)...
But no, not lack of sleep thats killing me. Nor lack of food. (Though both may factor from time to time. I have friends that make certain I eat, as well as a girlfriend that does that. LOL)
I think it's just a simple lack of money. I saved up about 2K before I started on my own, with the intent to get a job. So far, every oppertunity has just cost me money. Ran out of money mid last fall (Yes, I made 2K streach 10 months)
Then that nasty flu that near enough killed me.
And now...here I am, in MARCH. still pennyless and about 1700 in debt. And too busy to work even a part time job.
Plan this summer is to take a full time job in addition to getting Geeks2go started with a nice clientel base.
But no classes. And no more than 12 hours work a day. (Hopefully. I've no problem putting in 20 hour days at this point. Almost mundane at this point.
*sigh*
and in the middle of typing this a friend called me over. Then bore right to the problem. And now I'll just mull over it for a bit...
seriously, Go see someone, they will have treatment options that can help.
and dont wait, pick up the phone and call today. operators ARE standing by.
[B]I've been living with clinical depression (and boardeline personality disorder) since i was a teenager (about 20 years) my advice, go see a doctor, and do it now, there are medications that can help, they are not the cure-all that some people seem to think, but they will help level out your emotions, the highs aren't quite as high, but neither are the lows quite so low.
seriously, Go see someone, they will have treatment options that can help.
and dont wait, pick up the phone and call today. operators ARE standing by. [/B][/QUOTE]
How true...
... and oh how I could have used Zoloft, Paxil, or BuSpar back in the day 5 years ago...
;)
[B]How true...
... and oh how I could have used Zoloft, Paxil, or BuSpar back in the day 5 years ago...
;) [/B][/QUOTE]
I've been on Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, also on anti anxiety meds like Xanax, although it turs out i can't take benzodiazapines like Xanax and Valium, they tend to cause psychotic breaks and blackouts in me, lol
Seriously though, those meds, along with therapy of some sort, really help, they dont make you normal, but they help to manage the disease, as i said in the other post, it levels you out, so your highs arn't quite so high, but the lows arne't quite so low, and after a while, most people can slowly stop takin gthem, or reduce their dosages.
it's a very hard thing to deal with, not just for the person going through it, but for their familes as well. but meds and therapy really do help.
I'm of the opinion I should have been self sufficient at 18.
Here I am at 21 and still totally dependent. More dependent on my parents then ever before. I've literally no income at all.
Not only can I not provide for myself, but I am incapable to giving to others.
Only thing I have to give is my time right now. And I don't even have that.
I enjoy giving what I can to anyone else. Always have. Right now I can't even drive Amy to the beach without thinking about spending someone elses money (OK, so add pride right in there to top it off) I can't go out to eat with Will and Dalton (Two very good friends) without feeling like I'm being a moocher.
I want to buy Dalton and Will a meal. I want to spend time with the guys without feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something in an attempt to get myself out of this rut.
I want to just walk us to someone on the street and buy them lunch.
I want to stay after the point at church and help cleanup without thinking about whatelse I COULD be doing.
It maybe selfish (Theres an oxymoron) But thats how I feel right now. Pretty much useless. Incapable of doing what I want to do. Incapable of enjoying the times I have. Just stuck.
Anyhoo, have a meeting in about 15 minutes, so I must go.
I just want to be my old self again. I owe it to my girlfriend to be the person she never even met. To my friends, to myself... Just hard to do. :(
[B]
I just want to be my old self again. I owe it to my girlfriend to be the person she never even met. To my friends, to myself... Just hard to do. :( [/B][/QUOTE]
It is virtually impossible to do on your own, and there is help available, trust me when i say that it will never get better if you ignore it. i know from experience.
[B]Well, Basically...what it comes down to is I'm a prideful person.
I'm of the opinion I should have been self sufficient at 18.
Here I am at 21 and still totally dependent. More dependent on my parents then ever before. I've literally no income at all. [/B][/QUOTE]
That is virtually impossible when you are in college. Once you finish, then you have a chance. But as long as you're in college you can never make enough money to cover your expenses. It's unrealistic in this day and age, unfortunately.
[B]That is virtually impossible when you are in college. Once you finish, then you have a chance. But as long as you're in college you can never make enough money to cover your expenses. It's unrealistic in this day and age, unfortunately. [/B][/QUOTE]
even when not in college its tough, My parents helped my wife and i out well into our mid 20's, and then when i was injured at work and was out of work for a long long long time, they took us in again to help out while we g ot back on our feet, Having to rely on other people isn't always a bad thing.
We're all in this together people -- I mean sheesh!
Being self sufficient is a nice idea, and I'm sure you'll get there some day. The problem is setting an arbitrary (and completely unrealistic) goal, and getting depressed when you fail to achieve it.
I think of the whole thread, there were two key topics brought up, and I'll comment on both.
1) About age and self-sufficiency - cultural expectations on this vary greatly depending on your background. For instance, in many European countries as well as Japan, it's not at all uncommon for someone to live with their parents until early/mid 30s sometimes. This is not an abnormality just because these people are lazy. It's a "cultural norm" because families are closely knit and the job market accounts for it with lower salaries for starting positions. Please don't let American cultural expectations rule your life. Gaining independence takes time, and investing more time in it now to build a solid foundation will definitely pay off in the long run. If you have a family willing to help you out, count yourself lucky and accept their help. You can always secretely keep track of the financial help you get from your parents and once you are self-sufficient, pay it off in the form of extravagant anniversary/Christmas/etc gifts.
2) Education - Getting a good education is essential to having a successful long term career. It reminds me of the saying "You have to work for your reputation before your reputation will work for you". I understand that you may be anxious to get out there and make it big, but trust me (and I'm speaking from experience), there will always be a market for well educated people in whatever field you choose. Focusing on a degree now will allow you to command a much higher starting salary once you graduate. Instead of taking on side-jobs, try to get internships that fit in your chosen career (summer internship or even a year-long one if you are interested). Some internships can even be counted toward graduation credit requirements. Taking career-related internships gives you the benefit of building up relevant experience ahead of graduation and also helps because you can meet people who already work in your field - keep in touch with them, since they may rehire you once you graduate, or help you find a job through their friends or at the very least good references.
So there. Accept help when it's offered to you since you can always repay it later. Don't take side jobs unrelated to your career since ultimately they prove to be a distraction and a waste of time (certainly not worth the pay) but do try to be on the lookout for part time job in your career path or an internship.
Hope this helps.
[B]For instance, in many European countries as well as Japan, it's not at all uncommon for someone to live with their parents until early/mid 30s sometimes. [/b][/quote]
Just to remove the Geek Bias from this (;)), it's more of an Oriental culture thing than a specifically Japanese culture thing. I don't know about the South-East Asian nations, but I do know that in China, Korea and Japan it is commonly accepted that the parents support the kids for quite a long time, then the kids support the parents when they retire. This grew out of the idea of multiple generations living together on the farm and working it together, or so my friends from those countries claim.
[quote][b]You can always secretely keep track of the financial help you get from your parents and once you are self-sufficient, pay it off in the form of extravagant anniversary/Christmas/etc gifts.[/b][/quote]
The first Christmas after I graduated, my parents got a roomba, something they were sure they'd never see in their life times. It was worth every cent just to see the look on their faces when they unwrapped it and realised what it was.
[quote][b]2) Education[/B][/QUOTE]
Expanding on this one: Starting a business while you're still in college with the intent of doing both is possibly a bad idea, especially if you're taking courses which have a high work load. Running a business takes a lot more time than just having a job. Consider putting the business idea on the backburner until you have a degree. If you need money, a part time job (or sometimes limited contract work that lasts, say, a week - that's what I did a couple of times) is better because you can manage the hours it sucks up very easily. Running your own business can rapidly get out of control.
[B]
Expanding on this one: Starting a business while you're still in college with the intent of doing both is possibly a bad idea, especially if you're taking courses which have a high work load. Running a business takes a lot more time than just having a job. Consider putting the business idea on the backburner until you have a degree. If you need money, a part time job (or sometimes limited contract work that lasts, say, a week - that's what I did a couple of times) is better because you can manage the hours it sucks up very easily. Running your own business can rapidly get out of control. [/B][/QUOTE]
I'm going to have to reply to this one. :)
The buisness is already started, already have the Tax ID, registered with the state, buisness license, etc. It's real. :)
I'm not in it alone, have a good friend in it with me. We both know PC's, he and both know webcoding. And I'll state, he's better than me at both. (Thankfully, I'm better at design, which means I can contribute something)
The current goal is just webdesign, and hopefully, PC repair. Most likely, our main clientell will be college students from Campus. We're actually working on a deal with the campus that would transfer ALL student repairs to us. Thats roughly 50 computers a week.
We have the pricing figured out, awesome deals for students. And honestly, Virus removal, and spyware removal, even FORMATS, are easy to do, and don't take alot of time. 2 hours, and most of that is progress bars, where we can be working on other things (Like homework) while waiting for scans to finish, etc.
I know I'll be busy, thats fine. I've gotten my Dad's workaholic tendancys.
So no, I don't think the buisness is a bad idea. 100% flexible hours, and pay in the range of 30$ an hour while working.
Hard to beat that. :D
And if it gets to much for just the two of us, we hire more people, less money for us. But then, we're not working as hard. After a point, we can just manage it, which I've no illusions as to the time involved in that, but it gets alot closer to residual income at that point.
This all, of course, assumes we get some clients. Or that the campus signs the deal with us. :D
[B]I'm going to have to reply to this one. :)
The buisness is already started, already have the Tax ID, registered with the state, buisness license, etc. It's real. :)
...
I know I'll be busy, thats fine. I've gotten my Dad's workaholic tendancys.
So no, I don't think the buisness is a bad idea. 100% flexible hours, and pay in the range of 30$ an hour while working.
Hard to beat that. :D[/B][/QUOTE]
I would actually have to disagree with you on the business bit, because while it may exist, keeping it going is exactly the type of thing that could be contributing to your current problem. And while you may have an uncontrollable drive to be a work, but it might not be in your best interests to listen to it.
If you're suffering from burnout, the worst thing you can do is add more to the workload.
Trying to run a business like that while also completing a degree and suffering from a severe case of burn out isn't going to make anything better. As Sanfam says, just because you're a workaholic, giving in to that isn't the right thing to do.