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hospital vacation

ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie."London, UK
in Zocalo v2.0
This Sunday past I did the most massively stupid thing I've done in a long time. For as long as I can remember I've suffered from depression, but this last few months since christmas its been paticularly bad and I've gone back on the anti-depressant meds. Sunday tho I took and overdose and was taken to hospital suffering from convultions and what the doctor described as a 'dangerous cardiac arythmia' (not sure if thats how its spelt). So thats twice now I've had a doc look down on me on a stretcher and tell me that I'm lucky to still be alive.

As for why I did it, I'm still not sure to be honest. Admitteldly things havent been going so well recently, especially on the uni front. But on the personal front things have been looking up; I've got a good bunch of mates, and I've met a girl and am going out to Turkey on holiday to meet her (she's working out there over the summer).

In a perverse way I'm almost proud of what I did: I never thought I had the courage to do something like that (never mind how stupid it was). Still, everything turned out ok, there should be no lasting ill affects from it all. You wont get rid of me that easily ;)

Comments

  • WORFWORF The Burninator
    If you do that again and don't survive, I will kill myself, so I can come after you and give you a good beating with a green aardvark!

    Worf
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    lol, it had to be a g-r-e-e-n aardvark didnt it? just to rub it in?:p
  • WORFWORF The Burninator
    Yes :)

    Worf
  • MessiahMessiah Failed Experiment
    Probably a dead green aardvark at that!

    Yeah. Dont do that again mate. I know what you mean by the pride youre feeling. When I fisted my way through a window and got my arm cut up real bad (to the point where a friend of mine saved my life by strangling said arm until the paramedics came), I also felt pride in actually doing it.

    But now that Ive proven that to myself, I wont be doing that again. I hope thats how you feel too. :)
  • croxiscroxis I am the walrus
    Pride can lead to stupidity and arrogance.

    Don't be dumb, like the people at my work who can't read signs.
  • Data CrystalData Crystal Pencil Artist
    You know, glad you're ok but next time try bungee-jumping if you want to know something about your mental balls. Or just pick it up a notch and go hit on a gal you're genuinely interested in... while being a ok sober ;).

    I, on the other hand, sport the Purple Aardvark. :D *Slam!*

    Oh yeah, and forget the uni probs and all the other stuff... it's your own noggin, happiness and love-life that are the only things that matter in the long run.

    Get well soon, mate. ;)
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    i think i'd rather go parachuting that bungee-jumping to be honest.

    in a weird way, im glad i did it because now its like i have a new perspective on things. im still trying to figure stuff out in my head, but im getting there i think. and it certainly helps that i've got this place to talk about it all. thanks guys!

    and as for the hitting on a girl part, thats kinda why i went to hospital. anna, the girl in question, had a very time this last year with her gran dying on her bday, a string of bad relationships and her grandpa being admitted to a hospice for alzheimers. we've grown to be very close friends and are, i think anyway, gonna get together this summer. but when we were talking about all that stuff she made me promise that there would be no dying or anything bad happen this summer, or else she'd come back and kill me herself ;)

    i havent told her about this yet tho, defintely wait till i can tell her face to face...if i ever do. havent told my folks yet either. thats not gonna be fun:(
  • Lord RefaLord Refa Creepy, but in a good way
    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by ShadowDancer [/i]
    [B]i think i'd rather go parachuting that bungee-jumping to be honest.

    in a weird way, im glad i did it because now its like i have a new perspective on things. im still trying to figure stuff out in my head, but im getting there i think. and it certainly helps that i've got this place to talk about it all. thanks guys!

    and as for the hitting on a girl part, thats kinda why i went to hospital. anna, the girl in question, had a very time this last year with her gran dying on her bday, a string of bad relationships and her grandpa being admitted to a hospice for alzheimers. we've grown to be very close friends and are, i think anyway, gonna get together this summer. but when we were talking about all that stuff she made me promise that there would be no dying or anything bad happen this summer, or else she'd come back and kill me herself ;)

    i havent told her about this yet tho, defintely wait till i can tell her face to face...if i ever do. havent told my folks yet either. thats not gonna be fun:( [/B][/QUOTE]

    You should trek down to london on june 10th - 18th, when i'm visiting, and I'd cheer you right up.

    I'm not particularly depressed any more as such, but I'm going slightly towards insane/crazy. I am starting to believe that I dont exist as a human being, rather as a some kind of sophisticated robot mimicing a human. I dont know why exactly, but I've had this strange feeling for a while now, since I stopped eating and sleeping...
  • BigglesBiggles <font color=#AAFFAA>The Man Without a Face</font>
    Well, at least you're still alive to tell the tale! Just don't go trying to make more tales to tell. ;) And remember, you can always check in here or IRC if you need to talk!
  • croxiscroxis I am the walrus
    #firstones, your local therapy group.
  • Pixel_DonkeyPixel_Donkey Earthforce Officer
    I might come along sometimes. No matter how hard things get things seem to get better with time, we all just need to be strong and talk to people about our problems! Its very important we don't bottle things up as it can not help... there are people here who care and will listen, its a rare and kind thing take it :)
  • SanfamSanfam I like clocks.
    It is amusing how often #Firstones becomes the defacto therapy center. We really should charge an hourly rate :P
  • The Cabl3 GuyThe Cabl3 Guy Elite Ranger
    oK I have to barge in here with my story ODing myself. Things have been insane & Im glad I found somebody who found themselves in the same boat. Man the moral dillemas Im facing are things I've never considered before. The hospital Im still in, theres alcholics, communists, Gays, Another guy who claims hes Jesus, A guy that looks like my dad, Roy who reminds me alot like Ed Norton. And If you ever read Foundations Empire I swear to you I've met the mule. I can barely tell heads from tails in this ward. Its ridicules. I met a girl who looks like my first girlfriend. I just wonder what the hell does it all mean! It really is like Firstones.com...

    All I know is what the hell are we doing?! everybody seems to be on autopilot! I got one question what are we supposed to do about it!? There are people dying in Iraq and we are just sitting here watching the monitor. WE NEED PURPOSE! June 6, 2006 is coming soon...Maybe I've gone off the ladder this time but I think I get its called blinds mans bluff...What do you guys really say behind my back anyway? ;)
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lord Refa [/i]
    [B]You should trek down to london on june 10th - 18th, when i'm visiting, and I'd cheer you right up. [/B][/QUOTE]

    actually theres a chance that i might be down in london around that time. i wont know till probably the 15th tho, as if i am down its gonna be fairly last minute
  • Lord RefaLord Refa Creepy, but in a good way
    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by ShadowDancer [/i]
    [B]actually theres a chance that i might be down in london around that time. i wont know till probably the 15th tho, as if i am down its gonna be fairly last minute [/B][/QUOTE]

    My sms should work atleast.. so I'll give ya my number just in case. Before I get there.
  • JackNJackN <font color=#99FF99>Lightwave Alien</font>
    Not really something to take lightly...

    Body and brain chemistry can wreak havoc on a person.

    I can understand why you "don't know why you did it..."

    Seemed like a good idea at the time right?

    Perception and interpretation can get twisted.

    For me, I have pills for those times when I don't agree with myself... :p j/k

    ;)
  • The Cabl3 GuyThe Cabl3 Guy Elite Ranger
    I'd be happy to join in a Firstones gathering in London! Thats if you want me along...My internet personality is much different from the real guy trust me.
  • MessiahMessiah Failed Experiment
    It usually is.

    Thinking back.. I think you firstones have helped me a lot of times too. I often come here first when I need to talk to someone. The relative anonymity coupled with the fact that some of us have known each other for what? 5 years now, is good therapy.. :)
  • TyvarTyvar Next best thing to a St. Bernard
    Re: hospital vacation

    When it comes random bizzare self destructive impulses, Ive had one bad one of those myself, I mean I understand depression but I had the urge to do the craziest bizzarest thing pop up out of nowhere. I didnt act on it, and in fact I kinda gave myself a headache trying to figure out just where the hell the impulse came from. To this day I have no clue why it popped up for a split second, and then disapeared. Its one of those things that made me kinda understand where stories of possesion and mind control came from, because it was so bizzarely alien of an idea yet it was in my brain, and fairly powerful.


    anyways I can also understand the depresion thing, but, just in general principle can we try to limit adding any more names to the FO memorial list? Id think we would all be happy keeping that to a short list.
  • TyvarTyvar Next best thing to a St. Bernard
    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by The Cabl3 Guy [/i]
    [B]What do you guys really say behind my back anyway? ;) [/B][/QUOTE]


    I think the general conclusion is that you have played with too much mercury, and we move on ;)
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by The Cabl3 Guy [/i]
    [B]I'd be happy to join in a Firstones gathering in London! Thats if you want me along...My internet personality is much different from the real guy trust me. [/B][/QUOTE]

    well as i said, im not sure whether or not it will even happen yet. it all really depends on this girl i know who's working in turkey over the summer; if she can get me out there on the friends and family discount thingy then it'll be very last minute. might only get 1 or 2 days notice im afraid:(

    on another note my dad came down to see me today, and i picked my moment and told him everything that had happened. i could see that it definitely threw him, but he was fairly good about the whole thing. mum wasnt nearly as understanding tho; she seemed more concerned with how it would have affected her job. i guess i can understand that, but it didnt exactly make me feel better
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