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The Annual Nerd Bowl
Biggles
<font color=#AAFFAA>The Man Without a Face</font>
in Zocalo v2.0
This happened to pop up in my phospor screensaver for the first time in a while. Some of you might not have seen it.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#1)
JOHN SPLADDEN: Hi, and welcome to the first annual Nerd Bowl in sunny
Silicon Valley.
BRYANT DUMBELL: We're coming to you live from the Transmeta Dome to watch
the battle between the North Carolina Mad Hatters and the Michigan
Portalbacks as they compete for the coveted Linus Torvalds Trophy.
SPLADDEN: This is shaping up to be one hell of a match. The Mad Hatters --
sponsored by Linux distributor Red Hat -- have been on fire the past
month. But the Andover.Net sponsored Michigan Portalbacks are on a tear as
well, thanks in part to the stellar performance of Rob "Taco Boy" Malda.
DUMBELL: Taco Boy is quite a star, John. Last week at the Kernelbowl he
blew away the Transmeta Secret Agents when he scored 51 points
singlehandedly in the Flying CompactDiscus round.
SPLADDEN: But then Mad Hatter's Alan Cox was voted this season's Most
Valuable Hacker in the Eastern Division. So, this game is going to be
quite a show.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#2)
(held during Super Bowl Sunday 2000 at the Silicon Valley Transmeta Dome)
BRYANT DUMBELL: Look out! Here comes Linus Torvalds himself to deliver the
starting chug. The crowd is going wild... all 64 people in the stands are
on their feet! Here we go... Linus is lifting up the Ceremonial Beer
Can... he's flipping off the top...
JOHN SPLADDEN: You can feel the excitement in the air! Wow!
DUMBELL: ...And there he goes! Wow... he chugged that beer in only 1.4
seconds... Let's see Bill top that! What a remarkable display to kick off
this grandest of all nerd sporting events.
SPLADDEN: "Nerd sporting event"? Isn't that an oxymoron?
DUMBELL: Linus is now waving to the crowd... Oops! He just belched.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#3)
BRYANT DUMBELL: It's time for Round One: The Flying CompactDiscus.
JOHN SPLADDEN: That's right, Bryant. Each team member will hurl one CD-ROM
and receive points for both the distance thrown and whether the disc is
still readable afterwards.
DUMBELL: First up is Mad Hatter's Alan Cox. He struts, he winds up, and
there it goes! Look at the trajectory on that baby... Now it's time for
the Portalback's Anonymous Coward #521 to throw. This guy was voted as the
best CompactDiscus thrower in the league by popular vote on Slashdot.
SPLADDEN: Indeed, AnonCow has got some powerful muscles. No brain though.
Did you know that he dropped out of college to join the Andover.Net team?
DUMBELL: Yeah, what a tough decision to make. It's now becoming quite
common for nerd superstars to ditch college and move to Silicon Valley and
receive Big League stock options. Still, AnonCow was out for several games
this season due to a Carpal Tunnel flareup. I hope he isn't squandering
his millions... he might be forced to retire early.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#4)
BRYANT DUMBELL: Welcome back. After Round 1, the Mad Hatters are ahead 15
to 12. Round 2, the Caffeine Craziness event, is now underway.
JOHN SPLADDEN: This is my favorite part of the Nerdbowl. Each player tries
to consume as many gallons of caffeinated beverages within one minute, and
then points are awarded based on the redness of their eyes.
DUMBELL: I like this event too... I must admit, it's much better than the
"Crash It" event that was played in the Zeroth Annual Nerdbowl last year.
Players were each seated in front of a PC running Windows 98... points
were awarded based on how fast the player could cause a Blue Screen.
SPLADDEN: Ah, yes, I remember that. Everybody complained that the event
was too easy. "Where the hell is the challenge?" yelled Chris DiBona while
doing a victory dance after the VA Linux Rich Penguins beat the SuSE Cats
In The Hats last year 121-96.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#5)
A commercial that aired during the live ASCII broadcast of the game:
Having trouble staying awake for weeks at a time working on that latest
hack? Worried that some young punk will take over your cushy job because
you sleep too much? Don't worry, EyeOpener brand cola is here to save
the day. You'll never feel sleepy again when you drink EyeOpener.
Surgeon General's Warning: This product should only be used under a
doctor's immediate supervision, as it contains more caffeine than 512
cases of Coca-Cola.
Caution: When sleep does occur after about three weeks, optometrists
recommend having someone on hand to close your eyelids.
Coming soon: ExtremelyWired(tm) cola with 50% more sugar! May or may not
meet FDA approval... we're still trying.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)
JOHN SPLADDEN: We're back. The players have assumed their positions and
are ready to answer computer-related questions posed by referree Eric S.
Raymond. Let's listen in...
RAYMOND: Okay, men, you know the rules... And now here's the first
question: Who is the most respected, sexy, gifted, and talented spokesmen
for the Open Source movement? [Bzzz] Taco Boy, you buzzed in first.
ROB MALDA: The answer is me.
RAYMOND: No, you egomaniacal billionaire. Anybody else want to answer?
[Bzzz] Yes, Alan Cox?
ALAN COX: Well, duh, the answer has to be Eric Raymond.
RAYMOND: Correct! That answer is worth 10 million points.
ROB MALDA: Protest! Who wrote these questions?!
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)
(Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round)
ERIC RAYMOND (Moderator): Here's the second question: Who is the primary
author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos?
HEMOS: Mr. Eric... Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio.
RAYMOND: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm
resetting your points to zero for that.
ALAN COX: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you?
RAYMOND: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's
question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the
GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free
Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward?
ANONCOW: Eric Raymond!
RAYMOND: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#7)
JOHN SPLADDEN: In this final round, the two teams must assemble a 16-node
Beowulf cluster from scratch, install Linux on them, and then use the
system to calculate pi to 1 million digits. This is the ultimate test for
nerds... only people in the Big Leagues should attempt this... [snip]
BRYANT DUMBELL: Look at that! Instead of messing with screws, the
Portalbacks are using duct tape to attach their motherboards to the cases!
That should save some time. [snip] They've done it! The Mad Hatters have
completed the Final Round in 2 hours, 15 minutes. That's one hell of a
Beowulf cluster they produced... drool.
SPLADDEN: With that, the Mad Hatters win the Nerd Bowl 105 to 68! There's
going to be some serious beer-drinking tonight back at the Red Hat offices.
DUMBELL: Linus Torvalds has emerged from the sidelines to present his
Linus Torvalds Trophy to the winners. What a glorious sight! This has
definitely been the best Nerdbowl ever. I pity those people that have been
watching the Superbowl instead.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#1)
JOHN SPLADDEN: Hi, and welcome to the first annual Nerd Bowl in sunny
Silicon Valley.
BRYANT DUMBELL: We're coming to you live from the Transmeta Dome to watch
the battle between the North Carolina Mad Hatters and the Michigan
Portalbacks as they compete for the coveted Linus Torvalds Trophy.
SPLADDEN: This is shaping up to be one hell of a match. The Mad Hatters --
sponsored by Linux distributor Red Hat -- have been on fire the past
month. But the Andover.Net sponsored Michigan Portalbacks are on a tear as
well, thanks in part to the stellar performance of Rob "Taco Boy" Malda.
DUMBELL: Taco Boy is quite a star, John. Last week at the Kernelbowl he
blew away the Transmeta Secret Agents when he scored 51 points
singlehandedly in the Flying CompactDiscus round.
SPLADDEN: But then Mad Hatter's Alan Cox was voted this season's Most
Valuable Hacker in the Eastern Division. So, this game is going to be
quite a show.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#2)
(held during Super Bowl Sunday 2000 at the Silicon Valley Transmeta Dome)
BRYANT DUMBELL: Look out! Here comes Linus Torvalds himself to deliver the
starting chug. The crowd is going wild... all 64 people in the stands are
on their feet! Here we go... Linus is lifting up the Ceremonial Beer
Can... he's flipping off the top...
JOHN SPLADDEN: You can feel the excitement in the air! Wow!
DUMBELL: ...And there he goes! Wow... he chugged that beer in only 1.4
seconds... Let's see Bill top that! What a remarkable display to kick off
this grandest of all nerd sporting events.
SPLADDEN: "Nerd sporting event"? Isn't that an oxymoron?
DUMBELL: Linus is now waving to the crowd... Oops! He just belched.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#3)
BRYANT DUMBELL: It's time for Round One: The Flying CompactDiscus.
JOHN SPLADDEN: That's right, Bryant. Each team member will hurl one CD-ROM
and receive points for both the distance thrown and whether the disc is
still readable afterwards.
DUMBELL: First up is Mad Hatter's Alan Cox. He struts, he winds up, and
there it goes! Look at the trajectory on that baby... Now it's time for
the Portalback's Anonymous Coward #521 to throw. This guy was voted as the
best CompactDiscus thrower in the league by popular vote on Slashdot.
SPLADDEN: Indeed, AnonCow has got some powerful muscles. No brain though.
Did you know that he dropped out of college to join the Andover.Net team?
DUMBELL: Yeah, what a tough decision to make. It's now becoming quite
common for nerd superstars to ditch college and move to Silicon Valley and
receive Big League stock options. Still, AnonCow was out for several games
this season due to a Carpal Tunnel flareup. I hope he isn't squandering
his millions... he might be forced to retire early.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#4)
BRYANT DUMBELL: Welcome back. After Round 1, the Mad Hatters are ahead 15
to 12. Round 2, the Caffeine Craziness event, is now underway.
JOHN SPLADDEN: This is my favorite part of the Nerdbowl. Each player tries
to consume as many gallons of caffeinated beverages within one minute, and
then points are awarded based on the redness of their eyes.
DUMBELL: I like this event too... I must admit, it's much better than the
"Crash It" event that was played in the Zeroth Annual Nerdbowl last year.
Players were each seated in front of a PC running Windows 98... points
were awarded based on how fast the player could cause a Blue Screen.
SPLADDEN: Ah, yes, I remember that. Everybody complained that the event
was too easy. "Where the hell is the challenge?" yelled Chris DiBona while
doing a victory dance after the VA Linux Rich Penguins beat the SuSE Cats
In The Hats last year 121-96.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#5)
A commercial that aired during the live ASCII broadcast of the game:
Having trouble staying awake for weeks at a time working on that latest
hack? Worried that some young punk will take over your cushy job because
you sleep too much? Don't worry, EyeOpener brand cola is here to save
the day. You'll never feel sleepy again when you drink EyeOpener.
Surgeon General's Warning: This product should only be used under a
doctor's immediate supervision, as it contains more caffeine than 512
cases of Coca-Cola.
Caution: When sleep does occur after about three weeks, optometrists
recommend having someone on hand to close your eyelids.
Coming soon: ExtremelyWired(tm) cola with 50% more sugar! May or may not
meet FDA approval... we're still trying.
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)
JOHN SPLADDEN: We're back. The players have assumed their positions and
are ready to answer computer-related questions posed by referree Eric S.
Raymond. Let's listen in...
RAYMOND: Okay, men, you know the rules... And now here's the first
question: Who is the most respected, sexy, gifted, and talented spokesmen
for the Open Source movement? [Bzzz] Taco Boy, you buzzed in first.
ROB MALDA: The answer is me.
RAYMOND: No, you egomaniacal billionaire. Anybody else want to answer?
[Bzzz] Yes, Alan Cox?
ALAN COX: Well, duh, the answer has to be Eric Raymond.
RAYMOND: Correct! That answer is worth 10 million points.
ROB MALDA: Protest! Who wrote these questions?!
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)
(Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round)
ERIC RAYMOND (Moderator): Here's the second question: Who is the primary
author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos?
HEMOS: Mr. Eric... Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio.
RAYMOND: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm
resetting your points to zero for that.
ALAN COX: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you?
RAYMOND: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's
question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the
GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free
Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward?
ANONCOW: Eric Raymond!
RAYMOND: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...
%
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#7)
JOHN SPLADDEN: In this final round, the two teams must assemble a 16-node
Beowulf cluster from scratch, install Linux on them, and then use the
system to calculate pi to 1 million digits. This is the ultimate test for
nerds... only people in the Big Leagues should attempt this... [snip]
BRYANT DUMBELL: Look at that! Instead of messing with screws, the
Portalbacks are using duct tape to attach their motherboards to the cases!
That should save some time. [snip] They've done it! The Mad Hatters have
completed the Final Round in 2 hours, 15 minutes. That's one hell of a
Beowulf cluster they produced... drool.
SPLADDEN: With that, the Mad Hatters win the Nerd Bowl 105 to 68! There's
going to be some serious beer-drinking tonight back at the Red Hat offices.
DUMBELL: Linus Torvalds has emerged from the sidelines to present his
Linus Torvalds Trophy to the winners. What a glorious sight! This has
definitely been the best Nerdbowl ever. I pity those people that have been
watching the Superbowl instead.
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