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Now that man knew how to motivate.
CurZ
Resident Hippy
in Zocalo v2.0
[i]"They're on our right, they're on our left, they're in front of us, they're behind us;
they can't get away from us this time."[/i]
- Chesty Puller, USMC, Chosin Reservoir, Korean War
[i]"We're surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them." [/i]
- Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir
[i]"Remember, whatever you write, this was no retreat. All that happened was that we found
more Chinese behind us than in front of us, so we about-faced and attacked."[/i]
- Chesty Puller, USMC, speaking to reporters after the battle out of the Chosin Reservoir, Korean War
they can't get away from us this time."[/i]
- Chesty Puller, USMC, Chosin Reservoir, Korean War
[i]"We're surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them." [/i]
- Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir
[i]"Remember, whatever you write, this was no retreat. All that happened was that we found
more Chinese behind us than in front of us, so we about-faced and attacked."[/i]
- Chesty Puller, USMC, speaking to reporters after the battle out of the Chosin Reservoir, Korean War
Comments
[*]Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
[*]Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
[*]Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
[*]If the enemy is within range, so are you.
[*]Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
[*]There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
[*]If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
[*]Friendly fire - isn't.
[*]Recoilless rifles - aren't.
[*]Suppressive fires - won't.
[*]Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
[*]Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
[*]Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
[*]Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
[/list]
[QUOTE]Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.[/QUOTE]
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)
CANNON, An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce
[QUOTE]Thank You for calling the US Army.
We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified
If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army![/QUOTE]
[list]
[*]NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
[*][b]The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.[/b]
[*][b]The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.[/b]
[*]The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
[*]The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
[*]If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
[*]If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
[*]Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Vist the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
[*]If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
[*]Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
[*][b]The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.[/b]
[*]C-4 can make a dull day fun.
[*]Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
[/list]
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"[/quote]
[quote]"Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."
"United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."
"Atlanta tower, Delta 765."
"Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."
After a pause to digest this, we hear....
"Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into the same runway in opposite directions?"
Another pause..
"Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"[/quote]
One of the very first space shuttle flights.
Shuttle COLUMBUS in orbit above Spain:
COLUMBIA: Saragosso Tower, this is COLUMBUS. How do you read me?
SARAGOSSO TWR: Read you five by five. What's your callsign?
COLUMBIA: COLUMBUS.
SARAGOSSO TWR: ??? What's your altitude?
COLUMBIA: One Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero
[quote]C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."[/quote]
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with
the sky.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
[quote]These are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.[/quote]
[QUOTE]
[b]Ground Effect[/b]
An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it. Now, the Mirage is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level.
The EF-111 crew were credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground. There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed aircraft scores a kill.[/QUOTE]
ROTFL
[QUOTE][b]Bureaucracy in Action[/b]
An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973:
"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Excerpted from "Sled Driver," by SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.
Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.[/QUOTE]
Here's "few" jokes:
[url]http://koti.mbnet.fi/~tuunaes/jokes/mil jokes.zip[/url]
A soldier, a sailor, an airman, and a marine get into an argument about
what armed force is the best. The argument gets so heated that they fail
to see an on-coming truck. They are hit and killed instantly. When they
arrive in heaven, they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So they
decide he can settle their argument. They walk up and ask him, "Saint
Peter, what Military Service is the best?" He thinks for a moment, then
says, "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you. But I'll tell you what. I'll
talk to God next time I see Him, and I'll find out for you. In the mean
time, welcome to heaven." So they enter. Later, they see Saint Peter
while walking around, and they ask him about their question. But before
Saint Peter can say anything, trumpets blare, a bright light shines, and
a white dove flies out of the light with an envelope in it's beak. Saint
Peter says, "Ah, here's the answer from the Boss." He takes the letter,
and the dove flies off. He opens it, trumpets play, gold dust flies up,
and Saint Peter reads aloud:
FROM THE DESK OF GOD
TO: SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AIRMEN, AND MARINES
RE: WHICH SERVICE IS BEST.
Dear Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines,
All branches of the United States Armed forces are truly honorable.
One should take pride in serving with the Military. You are all
well-trained men, all capable of pulling off your job exceedingly well.
Therefore, there is no superior service.
Sincerely,
God, USMC (Ret.)
----
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
----
I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.
[list]
[*]No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.
[*]Exceptions proves the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
[*]The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
[*]It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
[*]"Snow is not neutral." -- Frunze Military Academy Maxim (I wonder have this come from Winter War)
[*]The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
[*]The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. Corollary: The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater the average grunt can throw it.
[/list]
Pretty true:
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
"Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%."
-- General Douglas MacArthur
"Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander."
-- Jerry Pournelle
The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
- From a Soviet Junior Lt.s Notebook[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General[/QUOTE]
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes."
- Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. "
-A. Whitney Brown
This one is good:
[quote]"We are outnumbered, there is only one thing to do. We must attack!"
- Admiral Andrew Cunningham, 11 November 1940.
Before attacking the Italian fleet at Taranto[/quote]
[QUOTE]
"Hard pressed on my right; my left is in retreat. My center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I am attacking. Attaquez!"
- General Ferdinand Foch (to General Joffre during Battle of the Marne)[/QUOTE]
ROTFLOL:
[QUOTE]"All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...."
- Major-General John Sedgwick, 9 may 1864.
Killed by a sniper during the battle of Spotsylvania.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time"
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC[/QUOTE]
Good instruction: :D
[QUOTE]"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up"
- General George Patton, about reconnaissance troops[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]On board the Robert E. Lee SSBN601B, the crew stole the XO"s door. The next day's POD said there were to be no movies until it was returned. For privacy the XO, E.O. Warren hung a blanket over the opening.
By the 3rd day he had gotten into the habit of walking thru the blanket instead of moving it. On the 5th day we replaced the door. Re-hanging the blanket over it, and then settled back to watch the fun.
Suddenly the XO came running down the passageway enroute to his stateroom and thru the blanket/curtain, coming up very short upon meeting the door. Nose bleeding and demanding an answer, the CO came to his rescue.
After surveying the damage the Co, R.W.Aldinger, marched to control, grasped the 1MC and announced, "This is the Captain. The XO's door has been found. MOVIE CALL!"
W.S. Wantland QMC(SS)
USS Hawkbill SSN 666 [/QUOTE]
Just download this and you have little reading for some time. :D
[url]http://koti.mbnet.fi/~tuunaes/jokes/mil jokes.zip[/url]
- Always Awful , Amateurs Anonymous , Abort Abort
AEROFLOT
- Aircraft Everywhere Run On Fuel Left Over by Tanks
AMERICAN
- Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps And Nausea, A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
CPA (Canadian Pacific Airlines)
- Can't Promise Anything
DELTA
- Don't Even Leave The Airport, Don't Ever Leave The Airport, Departing Even Later Than Anticipated, Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability, Don't Ever Land There Again, Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals, Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta, Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard, Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalise?, Doesn't Everybody Like This Airline?, Don't Even Let Them Aboard, Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
TWA (Transworld Airl.)
- Travel Without Arrival, Try Walking Asshole, Try Walking Again, The Worst Airline, Took Wrong Airline, Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective),Terrorists Welcome Aboard, Teenie Weenie Airlines, Traveling Without Air, Time Waste Airlines, That Was Accidental ,That Was Awful ,Thieves, Whores & Alcoholics ,Today's Worst Airline, Tomorrow’s Worst Airline, Tomorrow We'll Arrive, Tomorrow's Widebody Accident, Totally Wasted Airlines, Travel With Arabs, Travel With Alcohol, Try With Another
Aeroflot: Aero Flop,Cosmoplot, Aerosplat
Air BC: Air Bash & Crash, Air Burn & Crash, Scare BC
Airbus: Airbust, Scarebus
Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin
British Airways: Brutish Airways, Brutish Scareways,
Aspen Airways: Crashpen Airways
Cascade Airways : Crashcade Scareways
Continental: InContinental, Can't....Mental, Detrimental, Contemptible
Crossair: Crashair
Midwest Express: Midwest Excess
People Express : Cattlecar Express, People Distress, People Compress
Quantas: Quaint Ass
US Air: Useless Air, US Scare, yousair, usairheads
Zambia Airways: Zombia Airways
[B]"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific[/B][/QUOTE]
The French never did seem to like our atitude towards them blowing up nuclear bombs in our back yard rather than theirs.
Shuttle COLUMBUS in orbit above Spain:
COLUMBIA: Saragosso Tower, this is COLUMBUS. How do you read me?
SARAGOSSO TWR: Read you five by five. What's your callsign?
COLUMBIA: COLUMBUS.
SARAGOSSO TWR: ??? What's your altitude?
COLUMBIA: One Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero
is that one real? I can imagion the two SR-71 jokes being so...but can the shuttle actually transmit to a ground target like that?
if so...LMAO!!!
NAV: "Exec we're heading for shallow water."
EXEC: " Captain, we're running out of water."
CAPT: "What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers."
I wrote this down as it happened!
Tom Fisher, QM2 (ss)
USS Finback SSN670
2 April 1976[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Two sailors were at a picnic, sitting around, drinking a cool one or two, when one of them told a story about a WestPac trip and mentioned he was on Catfish (SS339). The other dude sitting there asked when he was on the CATFISH. They determined they were on board at the same time, but did not know one another. The torpedoman asked the other sailor what his rate was. The answer was that he was a ships cook. The torpedoman replied:" That's why I don't know you, every time I went into the after battery, it was so filled with black smoke that I could not see who was in the galley" And this is a No S---er!
Joseph McGrievy
WestPac Cruise[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]This happened during my 2nd patrol in the spring of 98. We had been on alert for quite awhile and things were , as usual on a boomer going 4 knots to nowhere, a little slow. One of the off going sonar operators got an idea to start power growling the Sonar shack from various locations on the boat.
When the sonar sup would pick up , he would proceed to make a whole manner of noises and then slam the handset down. It tok a couple of these for the shack to figure out who was doing it. Then, about the 10th time, here it cam again. The Sonar Sup picks up the handset, frustrated and yells into it: "Hey #$*% face! I know it's you!!"
He went deathly white when heard the response: "No, Sonar, this is the Weapons Officer."
Kenneth R Price STS2(SS)
USS Kentucky (SSBN-737) (Gold)[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]We had a Fireman Denham (hey dude!) onboard who was a real cool guy but as helmsman, couldn't drive the boat if it was on a rail. When Denham had the watch, the Sonar Supervisor would often contact the Conn asking if we were doing a course change. But no, it was Denham at the helm. Hence, we coined the term Denham Wiggle (the King of unintentional baffle clears). Although once when I was on stern planes (with Denham at the Helm), I just happened to look up and noticed that we were 40 degrees off course. No telling how long we had been doing this. I whispered to Denham that we were off course and he discreetly got the boat back on course. Nobody even noticed!
YN1(SS) Jeff Martin
USS GURNARD (SSN 662)
1991-1993[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]"Blind Surface"
by Ron Robinson, RM3
August 1966
USS Chopper SS342
Out of Key West on daily Ops and training for Sonar School with Destroyers out of Mayport.
I was standing Helm watch, when the Skipper decided to have an unexpected drill. Draining a cup of water from the Periscope Mast, he proceeded to order the boat to surface.
While preparations were being made to surface in the Control Room he emptied the cup of water on the diving officer (LTJG Madaglia) and "called" a collision. The lower Conning Tower Hatch was immediatley secured and the SOP for collission on surfacing was commenced. This was to hold the surface, make a sonar sweep, attempt to raise personnel in the Conning Tower and then to make a "Blind" Surface. The control room called several times on the sound powered phone and I was instructed by the CO not to answer, finally the diving officer came on the circuit and said "Robbie I know you are there now answer me, or I will see you in the Brig."
On relating this message to the CO, I was instructed to answer "Control, Conn, Blub Blub."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]High on the Navy's list of priority problems is that of AntiSubmarine Warfare (ASW). The detection and localization of a submarine has proven to be a very difficult problem, indeed. The following methods are a few that have been advanced to help in this area.
1) The Physicist's Method: Irradiate the ocean with high-energy neutrons so that H2O becomes 4H2O. Submarines will become excessively buoyant and cannot submerge. Their disposition can then be undertaken with leisure.
2) The Chemist's Method: Place in the ocean large quantities of lysergic acid. The fish population becomes terrified at the prospect of loneliness and clusters about submarines in a frenzy of affection and admiration, thereby constricting the movement of submarines to a level of difficulty.
3) The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped.
4) The Mathematician's Method: Construct a large Klein bottle that can contain the necessary numbers of submarines. Note that the submarines are initially outside this bottle. However, the outside of a Klein bottle is also its inside. Therefore, the submarines are inside this bottle. (Two dimensional submarines may be disposed of by a suitable Mobius strip)
5) The Ballistician's Method: Equip all surface ASW ships with green paint. On detecting a submarine, spread the paint over the sea surface and remain quiet. The submarine rises to investigate, but its periscope becomes covered with green paint. It, therefore, believes itself to be underwater and continues to rise. When it reaches a convenient altitude, shoot it down with Anti-Aircraft Fire.
6) The Economist's Method: Induce the United States of America to use seawater rather than gold to support its currency. The French will immediately start to sequester it in their vaults in such quantities that by the time supply and demand curves cross, the submarines will either be (A) aground, or (B) locked up in French safe-deposit boxes.[/QUOTE]
[url=http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp?target=military_jokes_moose.htm][img]http://www.webmutants.com/strategypage/moose.jpg[/img][/url]
[url=http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp?target=military_jokes_xtreme_deer_hunting.htm]Extreme Deer hunting[/url]
[url=http://www.strategypage.com/gallery/default.asp?target=ebay_f18.htm]Some assembly required[/url]
[img]http://www.webmutants.com/strategypage/oops.jpg[/img]
[url=http://www.strategypage.com/gallery/default.asp?target=sleep1.htm]"Gotta get some sleep somehow..."[/url]
[B]3) The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped. [/B][/QUOTE]
Yeah, that's what I'd do. :D
[B]LOL! Alot of fun things here. :) [/B][/QUOTE]
Then download Zip-file which I mentioned few posts earlier.;)
[QUOTE]"Banana Boat"
by Ralph Mantela FTG2(SS)
While standing the IC Watch in the Control Room of the USS Grouper(AGSS214) in the mid 1960's I overheard the following conversation. The Captain ordered the Diving Officer to prepare to snorkel. When ordered, the COW
passed the word "Rig the Boat for Snorkel" over the 1MC. A few minutes later Enginemen Chief Al Sharp requested an "up-bubble" (over the 7MC) so they could drain the main induction. The COW replied "Engine room, Conn you have a 5 degree up-bubble". A few minutes later the Chief Sharp (again) requested an "UP-BUBBLE" so they could drain the main induction!
And again the COW replied "ENGINE ROOM, CONN... YOU HAVE A 5 DEGREE UP-BUBBLE! A few seconds later Al Sharp replied "Well Conn, EB must have sold the Navy a banana instead of a boat because we still have a 5 degree down-bubble back here in the engine room!"[/QUOTE]
(EB= Electric Boats, I think it means that company)