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Sanfam's battle with the Can Opener
Sanfam
I like clocks.
in Zocalo v2.0
The sole purpose of this thread now is to describe the heroic and honorable battle between myself and the holy can opener.
Indeed, it is a terrible battle, as the can opener, one inspected by #29 and made in China, looked strong from the start. But only time would tell the truth...
It all started last Saturday on a seemingly nice, innocent day. I went to the local mall with a friend ("donating" $1.25 to the bus system on each leg of the trip). After browsing through various store and picking up $60.35 in items (ranging from a poster of a Vanquish to "Stupid White Men!" by Michael Moore), but one stands out the most:
The can opener...From Hell!
It looks like a normal can opener, but do not let its looks deceive you as they did me.
Upon my return home, I immediately went to sleep. I was too tired to attempt to use it, so ran off. to bed and pondered about "Stupid White Men" and my shiny, new Vanquish poster.
Upon awaking the next day, I decided it would be best for me to try out my wonderful new can opener. Being as I just purchased it, I might a well try something I had not eaten in ages: "Spaghettios."
So I ran (well, walked) down to the Corner Store and picked up four cans of the wonderful stuff, and walked back to my dorm.
To be Continued
Indeed, it is a terrible battle, as the can opener, one inspected by #29 and made in China, looked strong from the start. But only time would tell the truth...
It all started last Saturday on a seemingly nice, innocent day. I went to the local mall with a friend ("donating" $1.25 to the bus system on each leg of the trip). After browsing through various store and picking up $60.35 in items (ranging from a poster of a Vanquish to "Stupid White Men!" by Michael Moore), but one stands out the most:
The can opener...From Hell!
It looks like a normal can opener, but do not let its looks deceive you as they did me.
Upon my return home, I immediately went to sleep. I was too tired to attempt to use it, so ran off. to bed and pondered about "Stupid White Men" and my shiny, new Vanquish poster.
Upon awaking the next day, I decided it would be best for me to try out my wonderful new can opener. Being as I just purchased it, I might a well try something I had not eaten in ages: "Spaghettios."
So I ran (well, walked) down to the Corner Store and picked up four cans of the wonderful stuff, and walked back to my dorm.
To be Continued
Comments
When does the mother ship come into the story.
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[url="http://www.minbari.co.uk/log12.2263/"]Never eat anything bigger than your own head.[/url]
"Nonono...Is not [i]Great[/i] Machine. Is...[i]Not[/i]-so-Great Machine. It make good snow cone though." - Zathras
So come on, Brave Adventurer! Regale us with your Deeds of Heroism!
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AnlaShok, Captain of the Gray Hand of Fate Squadron
Sidhe-1
Wielder of the Big Heavy Hammer of Obvious Truth
"FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!"
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[b][url="http://www.savefarscape.com/"]SAVE FARSCAPE![/url][/b]
"Isn't the universe an amazing place? I wouldn't live anywhere else! Love to stay! Can't, have to go! Kiss! Kiss! Love! Love! Bye! *kiss*" - G'Kar
Hummm....Method 1.. We will have to insert a crew, coredein off the affected area, Burn down your house and sacrific you to the can opener Gods!
Method 2 Smash the can opener!
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[b]May You Live Forever, and The Last Voice You Hear, Be Mine! [/b]
Placing the can opener on the can as one normally one (blade to the top, frictioner to the rim), I squeezed the handle, and...nothing? What was this? Why was the can opener not puncturing the skin of my lunch? Why was it not revealing the pasta-ish goodness within?
A second attempt was made. Failure!
A third--Foiled again by the can gnomes!
What manner of can opener was this? Being unable to open a product as simple as a can of Spaghettios does not make it a worthy product.
So after much confusion, I attempted one last time to open the can. It worked--barely. For the next eight minutes, I spent much effort attempting to have my prescious can opener slice through the can containing my food, and I was not rewarded.
The edge was sharp, jagged, and the top fell in, only adding to the frustration.
For the next few days, this same story repeated itself. Two more cans would be downed, but not without a fight.
*time passes*
I decided I would give up. I opened up the browser, and started searching google to see if I could mail order a new can opener. Surprisingly, this is what I found:
[url="http://www.baddesigns.com/canopen.html"]http://www.baddesigns.com/canopen.html[/url]
[quote]
Another less common type of can opener cuts sideways into the can just below the rim. When a can is opened, the sharp edge is on the can itself while the rim remains with the lid. One advantage of the the latter is that the lid doesn't fall into the contents of the can. On the other hand, because the lid doesn't fall within the can, it isn't as convenient for draining away any undesired liquid.
The two can openers shown here are attractively designed and look very similar. The black opener removes the lid in the more common manner and the white opener removes the lid by cutting below the rim. When the latter can opener is given to someone to use, they invariably attempt to use the can opener by cutting down rather than sideways. In fact people never think to try to use the white opener as intended. They usually give up or make a total mess of the lid in making futile attempts to cut downward. The experience about how one opens a can is rather ingrained for cutting down rather than sideways.[/quote]
In a random attempt to humor muself, I tried using the can opener in the manner described.
It worked!
I noticed a clean, effective cutting action on the can. The rim was slowly being taken off, and left only a jagged edge. But the fight was not over. No, it never is...
Upon reaching the half-way mark, I heard a strange noise...
"Creeeaaa...SNAP!"
Confused, I looked down, and noticed something strange. The can opener was no longer cutting!
"What? It was working a second ago..."
I took it off of the can, and to my shock, the handle fell off, revealing a tiny stub of what once was the mighty grip.
"My leverage! My source of power! NOO!!!"
It was true. My can could not be opened, for I had no means of creating enough force to peirce the can and join the two sprockets to create a proper turning action.
My response was quick: Fast-drying krazy glue, and lots of it!
My solution worked. Ten minutes later, the handle was back on, and all was well. Or so I thought...
As I neared the end of the can top, I noticed the opener's cutting abilities were growing weaker each turn. I thought it was just me, but out of the blue, I heard a "Clink!" and looked at the desk.
"No! It Can't be!"
It was.
The can opener has fallen apart into five pieces (namely a handle, a can opener body, a washer, a sprocket, and a frictioner). But all was not lost. In a fit of irritation, I re-assembled it and applied superglue to that part, as well. It cut! It finished!
The end came with a number of irritating moments. I threw the can opener into the drawer, and found that it had also cracked a CD case upon landing.
*grumble*
But it is finished. I will no longer use it.
That is my story...
But remember, this could also happen...To You!
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[url="http://www.minbari.co.uk/log12.2263/"]Never eat anything bigger than your own head.[/url]
"Nonono...Is not [i]Great[/i] Machine. Is...[i]Not[/i]-so-Great Machine. It make good snow cone though." - Zathras
[img]http://216.15.145.59/mainforums/biggrin.gif[/img]
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[b]May You Live Forever, and The Last Voice You Hear, Be Mine! [/b]
[b]Biggles it would have been a lot easier with the right amount of plastic explosives![/b][/quote]
Yes! Destroy the can! And then go after the can opener!
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[url="http://www.minbari.co.uk/log12.2263/"]Never eat anything bigger than your own head.[/url]
"Nonono...Is not [i]Great[/i] Machine. Is...[i]Not[/i]-so-Great Machine. It make good snow cone though." - Zathras
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[b][url="http://www.savefarscape.com/"]SAVE FARSCAPE![/url][/b]
"Isn't the universe an amazing place? I wouldn't live anywhere else! Love to stay! Can't, have to go! Kiss! Kiss! Love! Love! Bye! *kiss*" - G'Kar
So what did I do? I went onto the web and searched for one.
TrueValue.com has the best on the market, a Swing-A-Way Classic for $5.99!
The one my family has been using was first purchased in the early 70's, and is among the pair that are still in use. I'd say that's a sign of a good product.
*Moves as far away from Sanfam as possible*
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[b]May You Live Forever, and The Last Voice You Hear, Be Mine! [/b]