Issues with your account? Bug us in the Discord!
An excerpt from my novel
The Cabl3 Guy
Elite Ranger
in Zocalo v2.0
[SIZE="7"][B]Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd[/B][/SIZE]
[I]January 2003-March 2003[/I]
[I]Hello again, seemed like forever between now and then
You look the same. I mean you look different but you haven’t changed
Funny to think how the time gets away. Funny how you take me right back again
Stole me away, First time I saw you, you did me that way
What should I say, I saw you laughing and I was afraid I might get in the way.
I did not think I would see you again so how have you been
Do you remember everything?[/I]
Winter came and it was hellish. Snow came down hard but cleared away by Mid February. In March, Jenna arrived off her plane and called my house. “Hi Sean?” she said sounding completely innocent. “Hey whats up?” I asked. “Im in New York...Do you want to come see me?” My heart skipped a beat “Yeah, yeah absolutely.” I could hear her cheeks raise “Are you in West Hempstead?” I said nervously. “No, I’m in the city, Let me give you my address.” I gripped the phone tight. “Uhhh, uhhhh, lemme get a pen.” nearly destroying the phone as it fell from my hands. Picking it up I nearly screamed “You still there?” “haha yep.” I scrounged for a pen, none were to be found. “Just a sec” I stormed upstairs to my cubicle like room. I tore apart my room looking for a pen. FUCK NO PEN! NO FUCKING PEN! I hopped down the 4 stairs leading to the kitchen. “Jen?” “Yep I’m here.” “Ok I don’t have a pen, I’ll just remember it.” “Why don’t you call me when you get in the city?” DUH. “Right, right, duh.” “Haha see you soon.” I was ready to slam the phone down just before it hit, I placed it down softly.
I ran out the door forgetting my mobile phone, dashed back in and grabbed it off my front desk then ran for the West Hempstead Train Station. I got on the train a little bit past 11 am, I was excited and jittery. I couldn’t control my legs. I tried to calm down and zone out but to no avail. I kept imagining what her place would look like. Would there be a huge kitchen? How many bathrooms? Two probably. I thought I’d walk into a long hallway probably white. I tried my focus on something else, staring at the posters that litter the trains. One of them had something to do with a new movie, The Last Castle. The other posters weren’t memorable enough for me to recall them. How fast time went, I was at the Valley Stream Transfer almost as fast as I could blink, I kept to myself on the ramp and waited for the next train to Jamaica. The train to Jamaica came a little after 15 minutes. I hopped on and again tried to find something to keep me occupied. I found a disused newspaper somewhere. It was the Daily News, “WAR” it read something about Iraq. I brushed through the paper not really reading it but thinking about Jenna obsessively. ‘Damn’ I thought, ‘I can barely remember what she looks like.’ All I had was a vague recollection of Marylin Manson I had hoped she changed since then.
She had, When I finally made it through Penn Station I hopped on the subway without knowing if it was the right train and ended up somewhere around 21st street. Far from where Jenna had been staying. I called her, “I think I got on the wrong train, I’m gonna be a little late.” She sounded worried “Okay, just make it alive okay?” Eventually I made it to 51st street and 2nd avenue or wherever. It didn’t matter where I was only that she was there. I jumped on the the next train going uptown and sweat peeled off my skin. ‘Jenna’ I thought ‘Please wait for me!’
I got out of the subway and passed by a flower store. I thought to myself ‘hmm flowers, roses, laid. Over the top? yeah...’ And moved on. Not a minute later did I get a call from Andrew Sczesnak, my best bud. “FUCK HER.” and he hung up.
I called her as I got out. I could feel her, smell her infact, even thought I had seen her mistaking her for an older woman. “JENNA?” pause “Excuse me?”...”Sorry”. When I called she sounded close. “Sean?”...”Yeah, yeah its me where are you?” she laughed. “Right in front of you.” I nearly jumped. “What?” “Turn Around.” I turned around she wasn’t there. “Your not there...” “No, no, no across the street can you see me waving?” “THERE YA ARE.” I shut my cell.
“Sean haha.” She had the brightest smile I could ever imagine. I gave her the biggest hug I thought I could give. “Jenna...” I felt the back of her long dark hair. I missed that hair alot. She looked nothing like Marylyn Manson now that I thought about it more like an Angel. God, she was heaven sent... My thoughts started to freeze after that, I couldn’t think the emotion was too much.
She opened the entrance to her apartment. And in we went climbing 5 or 6 flights of stairs till we reached the top. She fiddled with the keys and tried to pry the door open. “Umm do you think you can get this?” I tried I couldn’t...Well now what, “Ya know the couple next door, is usually loud from all the sex they have.” I couldn’t think but I was listening whether she knew it or not. I was nervous to say the least. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t know how to go about it. I thought I might hurt her. Finally after fiddling with the keys for nearly thirty minutes we went downstairs and ate pizza.
“So umm I guess I won the bet.”
“Yep, I broke up with Dale.”
“Your sure right, I mean I don’t want to have you pay and me be the loser here.” I was actually being honest. I felt calm and comfortable again. We ate pizza, one slice each. It was enough for me. I had pineapple pizza, she had regular cheese pepperoni.
“So...” she said. Long after we had finished. “Why don’t we find out how to get back in that apartment.” I froze up again. “Sean?”
“I mean yeah, yeah sure.” we got up and left our plastic plates where they were. We walked to a pay phone. Jenna called her mother. “Hi, Mom I got locked out of the apartment. How do I get back in?” “Yeah, yeah jiggle the key...to the right? Okay thanks mom.” I laughed “Well thats it then.” It was still hard for me to think at all.
We climbed those stairs again but they seemed longer and harder this time. We got to the top floor and this time the door opened. “Well this is it.” she said. I took a look around it certainly wasn’t what I imagined. It had a short hall, with yellowish walls. It was dimly lit and there were few paintings. The kitchen was right next to the hall. Jen and I sat at small table. We talked briefly. “Awkward pause.” she hinted. “what?” my heart jumped a beat I wanted to pounce her. “Theres another one.” I laughed. “I have to look up a number.” she said. She walked over to her bed where the yellow pages were. “Hmm I can’t find it, can you help me?” I started looking for some number, I didn’t know what I was looking for. I shyly stared at her. “Umm what am I looking for again?”
“Oh nevermind we’ll find it later.” She closed the yellow pages and threw it aside. “So” I said. “Are ya ticklish?” and ran after her. I pulled away when I realized I had her and slumped on the bed.
So we turned on the T.V. and watched Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. Oh it was exhilarating alright, I kept looking at her outta the corner of my eye, wanting, needing to place my lips again hers. But my body refused to move, refused to surrender to my own needs. I thought of her first is she okay? After the movie, she jumped in the shower and left the door open. I was nervous, I imagined myself walking in and taking her, no ravaging her. At some point I formed enough guts to walk in there. And...I urinated, and left. I had a huge boner, what does one usually do with a huge boner? Well I took my pants off on her bed and started beating myself off. I didn’t know how else to deal with the situation. I came close to a climax, when the shower stopped. I zipped up quickly. What the hell was I doing? I sat on the chair next to her bed trying to seem as calm as possible. I watched her as she dried off her hair. I put sex as far outta my mind as I could. She dressed herself in the next room. Came back with a book called “The Rules” she said “This witch gave me this book, called The Rules. Its about relationships, and the steps and all that.” I paused not really thinking “Ohhhh...” “So...” I said, “Can you break the rules for me?” She gave me to what amounted to possibly the most powerful sentiment anyone had ever gave me. I felt as if a stone had lifted, I felt the flood gates open, literally. My half cocked penis ejaculated itself. Whoa. I had just creamed myself. I asked her “Can you do it again?” She kissed me again. It was just as good as the first if not better. I didn’t know what to do. Do I tell her I just came in my pants? Or do I play it cool? Ehh? Yeah I played it cool...But it wasn’t over this was only the beginning, we were emotionally bonded, at least one of us was. I couldn’t get over the feelings sputtering my heart. The sheer joy of just being with her now. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself. Damn that was some kiss.
When I walked back out she was flicking through channels. She looked at me, I looked at the clock 4:30 PM. Time was going fast, very fast. I slipped onto the bed, we stayed there together. Watching T.V for the next hour. I kept staring at the clock hoping for something to happen. Allowing time to govern what would happen next. I kept thinking, wondering what the right thing would be to say. 5 o’ clock came and went. 6 hit and her mother called. “Yeah...Okay mom see you soon.” she said. “My mom is going to be here in a half hour.” Think...Think...Think “Ohhh” I said. 6:01 Tick, 6:02 tock, 6:05 tick, 6:10 tock, 6:15 tick, 6:20 tock, 6:25 tick, 6:27 tock, 6:28 tick, 6:29... We both knew time was almost up. I said to her “Can I hold you?” she cuddled herself in my arms. “Are you lonely?” I said. “Yes.” “Do you need somebody to protect to you?” She paused. “Yes.” “I don’t think I can do that for you.” 6:30 tick, tock. And at that moment the door rattled, her mother and sister were here. I jumped up off the bed, and went for the door. I was scared as all fuck. I forced a smile. “Huhuhi...” Jenna’s mother shook my hand as I extended it. It was over. I didn’t feel relief only shame. “Hi mom.” said Jenna “this is Sean.” We sat down. Jenna’s boy friend Dale called. They laughed “Its Dale.” I was confused. I thought she broke up with Dale? Jenna laughed “I don’t want to talk to him.” What the hell I thought. “Do you want to talk to him?” her mom asked. I shook my head, no. I went into myself trying to hide from the situation. I didn’t know what to do or say.
Jenna’s mother offered to take me out to dinner. I took her offer and we went out to Chinese around the corner. I remember entering the place it had a dark basic decor≥. All of us sat at the farthest corner from the entrance. I ordered kung pow chicken as usually do. I tried to inject my sense of humor into the situation doing mock impressions of Arnorld Scwarzenneger. I looked at Jenna’s sister, Julie she was hiding her face, for some reason it attracted me. “Your sister.” I whispered to her. I could see later on, she was uncomfortable. Jenna’s mother talked but I wasn’t listening. What I didn’t know then was that I was traumatized. The emotion of everything had overwhelmed me. I was in a mini breakdown without even knowing it. We ate, and I tried my best to make everyone laugh. Eventually I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror wondering just what the hell I was doing, what was I thinking? I felt scared, I felt that euphoric feeling that had begun a year ago before, escaping, even faster.
When I returned from the Bathroom. Jenna’s sister had left. “Where did your sister go?” she whispered to me “She doesn’t like strangers.” I thought to myself what makes me a...”You alright?” inquired her mother and cut my thoughts off. I started rambling about nothing. My voice changed, to that of Londo Mollari a character from Babylon 5. I felt hurt but only said “I carry a heavy burden.” In that deep russian accent. We all left soon after. I offered to pay but didn’t fight Sonya, Jenna’s mother.
My thoughts were going in a million directions as we walked. I could feel the night ending. I felt shame and guilt all in the same. I was panicing inside but I said nothing. I did not want to show them I was lonely, desperate and afraid. As I was walking Jenna and her mother went in one direction and I went the other. “Too many thoughts.” her mother said. I didn’t know what she ment or what she was talking about. We were on our way back to the apartment when “Can you get home okay?” I looked at Sonya. “Ohhhh, yeah.” I wanted to say something anything. “Mom.” said Jenna. “Its okay I said, I have the show to do remember?” I said “good bye.” And made my way to the subway. I remember giving an elderly black woman some change. “All I got” I said. She looked just like Rosemary, the nurse from the psychward. “Where ya from?” I asked. “St Agnes. Lord gonna bless ya chlid.” It did make me feel better but it also made me feel worse. “I hope so, I’m gonna need it.” I then went down into the subway entrance and found myself lost again. Yeah, I thought this isn’t gonna work. I called Jenna “I can’t get to that damn train station.” Jenna asked “Where are you?” I looked at the street sign. “55th and 3rd I think?” “Ok we’ll come get you.” She hung up and I was left in the cold till she showed up after about 5 minutes. It was a relief to see her again.
As her mother drove we sat in the back together in silence. More was said, unsaid then any words I could feed her. I still desperately wanted to stay with her. I didn’t want the night to end like this. Blinking once again, we arrived at Penn Station. “Call me” she said. I felt a shiver go down my spine as I exited the car. Jenna’s mother gave me a one way ticket for the Long Island Railroad back to West Hempstead. It was over.
Little did I know at the time this would set up a chain of events that would lead to further hospitalizations. Little did I know this was a mini Kerourac novel in its early beginnings. I got on the train and went over everything in my head. The stairs, SHIT. The shower, damn, The kiss, FUCK. I slammed fist against the side of the train. What the hell was I doing? Strangers looked at me and glared. I wanted to snap but I was in public. I put my head between my hands. I showed up in West Hempstead around 11 pm. I was nervous and panicy. I ran home and called her. “I’m sorry/” I said. “Its okay, what are you sorry about.” she asked. “I didn’t kiss you back.” she paused “I love you.” I felt the tears come down now but I hid it from my voice. “I love you too.”
I went to sleep feeling warmth in my heart. I noticed the euphoria that I started to feel a year before was almost gone. What was happening to me? My last thoughts of that night were of the war. I was going to do my little naked protest and then...I was gonna get the girl.
[I]January 2003-March 2003[/I]
[I]Hello again, seemed like forever between now and then
You look the same. I mean you look different but you haven’t changed
Funny to think how the time gets away. Funny how you take me right back again
Stole me away, First time I saw you, you did me that way
What should I say, I saw you laughing and I was afraid I might get in the way.
I did not think I would see you again so how have you been
Do you remember everything?[/I]
Winter came and it was hellish. Snow came down hard but cleared away by Mid February. In March, Jenna arrived off her plane and called my house. “Hi Sean?” she said sounding completely innocent. “Hey whats up?” I asked. “Im in New York...Do you want to come see me?” My heart skipped a beat “Yeah, yeah absolutely.” I could hear her cheeks raise “Are you in West Hempstead?” I said nervously. “No, I’m in the city, Let me give you my address.” I gripped the phone tight. “Uhhh, uhhhh, lemme get a pen.” nearly destroying the phone as it fell from my hands. Picking it up I nearly screamed “You still there?” “haha yep.” I scrounged for a pen, none were to be found. “Just a sec” I stormed upstairs to my cubicle like room. I tore apart my room looking for a pen. FUCK NO PEN! NO FUCKING PEN! I hopped down the 4 stairs leading to the kitchen. “Jen?” “Yep I’m here.” “Ok I don’t have a pen, I’ll just remember it.” “Why don’t you call me when you get in the city?” DUH. “Right, right, duh.” “Haha see you soon.” I was ready to slam the phone down just before it hit, I placed it down softly.
I ran out the door forgetting my mobile phone, dashed back in and grabbed it off my front desk then ran for the West Hempstead Train Station. I got on the train a little bit past 11 am, I was excited and jittery. I couldn’t control my legs. I tried to calm down and zone out but to no avail. I kept imagining what her place would look like. Would there be a huge kitchen? How many bathrooms? Two probably. I thought I’d walk into a long hallway probably white. I tried my focus on something else, staring at the posters that litter the trains. One of them had something to do with a new movie, The Last Castle. The other posters weren’t memorable enough for me to recall them. How fast time went, I was at the Valley Stream Transfer almost as fast as I could blink, I kept to myself on the ramp and waited for the next train to Jamaica. The train to Jamaica came a little after 15 minutes. I hopped on and again tried to find something to keep me occupied. I found a disused newspaper somewhere. It was the Daily News, “WAR” it read something about Iraq. I brushed through the paper not really reading it but thinking about Jenna obsessively. ‘Damn’ I thought, ‘I can barely remember what she looks like.’ All I had was a vague recollection of Marylin Manson I had hoped she changed since then.
She had, When I finally made it through Penn Station I hopped on the subway without knowing if it was the right train and ended up somewhere around 21st street. Far from where Jenna had been staying. I called her, “I think I got on the wrong train, I’m gonna be a little late.” She sounded worried “Okay, just make it alive okay?” Eventually I made it to 51st street and 2nd avenue or wherever. It didn’t matter where I was only that she was there. I jumped on the the next train going uptown and sweat peeled off my skin. ‘Jenna’ I thought ‘Please wait for me!’
I got out of the subway and passed by a flower store. I thought to myself ‘hmm flowers, roses, laid. Over the top? yeah...’ And moved on. Not a minute later did I get a call from Andrew Sczesnak, my best bud. “FUCK HER.” and he hung up.
I called her as I got out. I could feel her, smell her infact, even thought I had seen her mistaking her for an older woman. “JENNA?” pause “Excuse me?”...”Sorry”. When I called she sounded close. “Sean?”...”Yeah, yeah its me where are you?” she laughed. “Right in front of you.” I nearly jumped. “What?” “Turn Around.” I turned around she wasn’t there. “Your not there...” “No, no, no across the street can you see me waving?” “THERE YA ARE.” I shut my cell.
“Sean haha.” She had the brightest smile I could ever imagine. I gave her the biggest hug I thought I could give. “Jenna...” I felt the back of her long dark hair. I missed that hair alot. She looked nothing like Marylyn Manson now that I thought about it more like an Angel. God, she was heaven sent... My thoughts started to freeze after that, I couldn’t think the emotion was too much.
She opened the entrance to her apartment. And in we went climbing 5 or 6 flights of stairs till we reached the top. She fiddled with the keys and tried to pry the door open. “Umm do you think you can get this?” I tried I couldn’t...Well now what, “Ya know the couple next door, is usually loud from all the sex they have.” I couldn’t think but I was listening whether she knew it or not. I was nervous to say the least. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t know how to go about it. I thought I might hurt her. Finally after fiddling with the keys for nearly thirty minutes we went downstairs and ate pizza.
“So umm I guess I won the bet.”
“Yep, I broke up with Dale.”
“Your sure right, I mean I don’t want to have you pay and me be the loser here.” I was actually being honest. I felt calm and comfortable again. We ate pizza, one slice each. It was enough for me. I had pineapple pizza, she had regular cheese pepperoni.
“So...” she said. Long after we had finished. “Why don’t we find out how to get back in that apartment.” I froze up again. “Sean?”
“I mean yeah, yeah sure.” we got up and left our plastic plates where they were. We walked to a pay phone. Jenna called her mother. “Hi, Mom I got locked out of the apartment. How do I get back in?” “Yeah, yeah jiggle the key...to the right? Okay thanks mom.” I laughed “Well thats it then.” It was still hard for me to think at all.
We climbed those stairs again but they seemed longer and harder this time. We got to the top floor and this time the door opened. “Well this is it.” she said. I took a look around it certainly wasn’t what I imagined. It had a short hall, with yellowish walls. It was dimly lit and there were few paintings. The kitchen was right next to the hall. Jen and I sat at small table. We talked briefly. “Awkward pause.” she hinted. “what?” my heart jumped a beat I wanted to pounce her. “Theres another one.” I laughed. “I have to look up a number.” she said. She walked over to her bed where the yellow pages were. “Hmm I can’t find it, can you help me?” I started looking for some number, I didn’t know what I was looking for. I shyly stared at her. “Umm what am I looking for again?”
“Oh nevermind we’ll find it later.” She closed the yellow pages and threw it aside. “So” I said. “Are ya ticklish?” and ran after her. I pulled away when I realized I had her and slumped on the bed.
So we turned on the T.V. and watched Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. Oh it was exhilarating alright, I kept looking at her outta the corner of my eye, wanting, needing to place my lips again hers. But my body refused to move, refused to surrender to my own needs. I thought of her first is she okay? After the movie, she jumped in the shower and left the door open. I was nervous, I imagined myself walking in and taking her, no ravaging her. At some point I formed enough guts to walk in there. And...I urinated, and left. I had a huge boner, what does one usually do with a huge boner? Well I took my pants off on her bed and started beating myself off. I didn’t know how else to deal with the situation. I came close to a climax, when the shower stopped. I zipped up quickly. What the hell was I doing? I sat on the chair next to her bed trying to seem as calm as possible. I watched her as she dried off her hair. I put sex as far outta my mind as I could. She dressed herself in the next room. Came back with a book called “The Rules” she said “This witch gave me this book, called The Rules. Its about relationships, and the steps and all that.” I paused not really thinking “Ohhhh...” “So...” I said, “Can you break the rules for me?” She gave me to what amounted to possibly the most powerful sentiment anyone had ever gave me. I felt as if a stone had lifted, I felt the flood gates open, literally. My half cocked penis ejaculated itself. Whoa. I had just creamed myself. I asked her “Can you do it again?” She kissed me again. It was just as good as the first if not better. I didn’t know what to do. Do I tell her I just came in my pants? Or do I play it cool? Ehh? Yeah I played it cool...But it wasn’t over this was only the beginning, we were emotionally bonded, at least one of us was. I couldn’t get over the feelings sputtering my heart. The sheer joy of just being with her now. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself. Damn that was some kiss.
When I walked back out she was flicking through channels. She looked at me, I looked at the clock 4:30 PM. Time was going fast, very fast. I slipped onto the bed, we stayed there together. Watching T.V for the next hour. I kept staring at the clock hoping for something to happen. Allowing time to govern what would happen next. I kept thinking, wondering what the right thing would be to say. 5 o’ clock came and went. 6 hit and her mother called. “Yeah...Okay mom see you soon.” she said. “My mom is going to be here in a half hour.” Think...Think...Think “Ohhh” I said. 6:01 Tick, 6:02 tock, 6:05 tick, 6:10 tock, 6:15 tick, 6:20 tock, 6:25 tick, 6:27 tock, 6:28 tick, 6:29... We both knew time was almost up. I said to her “Can I hold you?” she cuddled herself in my arms. “Are you lonely?” I said. “Yes.” “Do you need somebody to protect to you?” She paused. “Yes.” “I don’t think I can do that for you.” 6:30 tick, tock. And at that moment the door rattled, her mother and sister were here. I jumped up off the bed, and went for the door. I was scared as all fuck. I forced a smile. “Huhuhi...” Jenna’s mother shook my hand as I extended it. It was over. I didn’t feel relief only shame. “Hi mom.” said Jenna “this is Sean.” We sat down. Jenna’s boy friend Dale called. They laughed “Its Dale.” I was confused. I thought she broke up with Dale? Jenna laughed “I don’t want to talk to him.” What the hell I thought. “Do you want to talk to him?” her mom asked. I shook my head, no. I went into myself trying to hide from the situation. I didn’t know what to do or say.
Jenna’s mother offered to take me out to dinner. I took her offer and we went out to Chinese around the corner. I remember entering the place it had a dark basic decor≥. All of us sat at the farthest corner from the entrance. I ordered kung pow chicken as usually do. I tried to inject my sense of humor into the situation doing mock impressions of Arnorld Scwarzenneger. I looked at Jenna’s sister, Julie she was hiding her face, for some reason it attracted me. “Your sister.” I whispered to her. I could see later on, she was uncomfortable. Jenna’s mother talked but I wasn’t listening. What I didn’t know then was that I was traumatized. The emotion of everything had overwhelmed me. I was in a mini breakdown without even knowing it. We ate, and I tried my best to make everyone laugh. Eventually I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror wondering just what the hell I was doing, what was I thinking? I felt scared, I felt that euphoric feeling that had begun a year ago before, escaping, even faster.
When I returned from the Bathroom. Jenna’s sister had left. “Where did your sister go?” she whispered to me “She doesn’t like strangers.” I thought to myself what makes me a...”You alright?” inquired her mother and cut my thoughts off. I started rambling about nothing. My voice changed, to that of Londo Mollari a character from Babylon 5. I felt hurt but only said “I carry a heavy burden.” In that deep russian accent. We all left soon after. I offered to pay but didn’t fight Sonya, Jenna’s mother.
My thoughts were going in a million directions as we walked. I could feel the night ending. I felt shame and guilt all in the same. I was panicing inside but I said nothing. I did not want to show them I was lonely, desperate and afraid. As I was walking Jenna and her mother went in one direction and I went the other. “Too many thoughts.” her mother said. I didn’t know what she ment or what she was talking about. We were on our way back to the apartment when “Can you get home okay?” I looked at Sonya. “Ohhhh, yeah.” I wanted to say something anything. “Mom.” said Jenna. “Its okay I said, I have the show to do remember?” I said “good bye.” And made my way to the subway. I remember giving an elderly black woman some change. “All I got” I said. She looked just like Rosemary, the nurse from the psychward. “Where ya from?” I asked. “St Agnes. Lord gonna bless ya chlid.” It did make me feel better but it also made me feel worse. “I hope so, I’m gonna need it.” I then went down into the subway entrance and found myself lost again. Yeah, I thought this isn’t gonna work. I called Jenna “I can’t get to that damn train station.” Jenna asked “Where are you?” I looked at the street sign. “55th and 3rd I think?” “Ok we’ll come get you.” She hung up and I was left in the cold till she showed up after about 5 minutes. It was a relief to see her again.
As her mother drove we sat in the back together in silence. More was said, unsaid then any words I could feed her. I still desperately wanted to stay with her. I didn’t want the night to end like this. Blinking once again, we arrived at Penn Station. “Call me” she said. I felt a shiver go down my spine as I exited the car. Jenna’s mother gave me a one way ticket for the Long Island Railroad back to West Hempstead. It was over.
Little did I know at the time this would set up a chain of events that would lead to further hospitalizations. Little did I know this was a mini Kerourac novel in its early beginnings. I got on the train and went over everything in my head. The stairs, SHIT. The shower, damn, The kiss, FUCK. I slammed fist against the side of the train. What the hell was I doing? Strangers looked at me and glared. I wanted to snap but I was in public. I put my head between my hands. I showed up in West Hempstead around 11 pm. I was nervous and panicy. I ran home and called her. “I’m sorry/” I said. “Its okay, what are you sorry about.” she asked. “I didn’t kiss you back.” she paused “I love you.” I felt the tears come down now but I hid it from my voice. “I love you too.”
I went to sleep feeling warmth in my heart. I noticed the euphoria that I started to feel a year before was almost gone. What was happening to me? My last thoughts of that night were of the war. I was going to do my little naked protest and then...I was gonna get the girl.
Comments
A few friends are in the publishing industry and may help me edit it, for free. It needs alot of work and if you can't tell its fairly one dimensional, its from my POV only. I can only sum what I remember, I doubt even I were able to find the other people on the ward or the countless people I met on the train would even recall anything about me. Jenna however is someone I can always refer to. About the paragraphs that was a copy and paste error.
It gets better hehe...
[I] March 2003[/I]
The next morning I prepped myself, I wore a long blue trench coat that I purchased from a thrift shop. I’m ready I told myself. I went to Andrew’s and told him what I was going to do. He laughed “Thats some funny shit.” I asked his brother, Alex to drive me to the West Hempstead Train Station. I had my poster ready, It read in bold letters, [B]NO WAR IN IRAQ OR THE NUDISTS WILL ATTACK[/B]. I really was thinking of Jenna though. But was determined to complete my mission. I was back on the train again. I stayed quiet, imagining myself stripping in front of the camera. I made it to Penn late, 12 am. I walked all the way to the Time Life building. It was cold, I entered a small deli nearby and marked exactly where I was going to perform my act of defiance. I sat in the deli and pretended to ignore the cops that were eating. I half read Tom Clancy’s Without Remorse for the 3rd time. It seemed that the someone was trying to get my attention. A latin man, motioned me over. “Like a roller coaster.” I did my best to ignore him. Inside the deli bathroom I took off my clothes and hid them in a bag. It was 4 am now, I was completely determined to complete this mission. I was prepared for the consequences, I may go to jail. I looked in the mirror one more time. “The real prison would always be himself.” I am Jack Ryan. At that moment I had complete confidence and determination. At that moment I was ready to fight. I left the deli and made my way back to the Time Life building where Fox New’s American Morning was aired. I pretended to be doing something walking around, moping. I sat down just outside the subway entrance, in the cold, chilled to the bone. My lips were probably icey blue, as people passed by I did my best to ignore them. I could feel icicles growing on my skin, I stuck it out and waited.
At some point a woman passed me “Its him.” she said and looked at me. It was 6 am, I wasn’t moving. I wanted to say how do you know me? Who are you? What do you want? I wanted to follow them. But I was self absorbed, ready to complete my mission. It was 7 now and my lip felt chapped. People started to fill the streets and I decided to move around. “fifty.” said one man. “Seventy five.” said the other as I walked down the subway again. Were they betting on me? I waited and waited and went in a few circles hoping no one would see a pattern.
Perhaps someone had, the show was cancelled. It did not air that morning. I was fed up. Fuck...I left thinking someone is following me. Someone had been, I walked on and stopped at a statue with its head missing. I recognized the man, he was on the train before. He kept walking pretending to ignore me. I remember some of the conversations he had on the train. He talked about Communism. As I watched him leave he entered the nearest building. I never saw him again. I think back on it now, perhaps he was just a reporter trying to pick up on a scoop.
I walked back to Penn, frozen, beaten, and panicked again. I wanted to see Jenna. I got back on the train and headed for West Hempstead. Everything cycled through my head, Jenna, The War, My protest and the man following me. I threw up in the cabin bathroom. As I got off the train I tossed the poster over the train tracks. Soon things would get even more out of control. The euphoria sensation was almost gone.
[I]March 18th 2003-March 19th 2003[/I]
I slept off the whole day, time was growing short. I knew, the war was about to start. The president had made an announcement to Saddam Hussein, “This is your last chance.” The newspapers displayed him in church, praying. Newsweek displayed “Reigning Men” Harrison Ford, Jack Nicholson and a slew of other men who had made their mark. I should’ve been on that cover I thought. I was slowing, degenerating into a morass of indecision. The pressure had built up. I spent alot of time with Andrew, “Shits goin down man.” As we walked inside his house I kept cycling through events. We sat on the couch and watched T.V. “If your gonna do something ya better do it soon.” he said. “This is the moment of truth.” The president was ready to go to war.
The same day Rebecca Williams mother died. She was a hottie from the highschool that every guy wanted to fuck. She claimed to be an artist. She was an eccentric. I took this as a painful sign from god to smite me. As Rebecca’s mother died, Sam Slater called me at some point. They were outside my house with him, was Rebecca. He said “There isn’t enough room.” As I entered the back of his car. There were four one gallon water bottles. I moved one over. We drove around briefly and they drove me back home. I said nothing other than. “Ya know what the three lightning bolts from the Delorean are? Past, present and future.” As they drove me home. I said nothing and left. I was angry now, angrier than ever. I ran to St. Thomas, the catholic church on West Minister Road. I ran strait up to the statue of St. Thomas. I barked, screamed and fisted the hard brass “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?”....”Don’t you have anything to say!”....I pointed at the statue. “YOU’VE GOT ALOT OF NERVE THROWING THIS SHIT AT ME!” A few cars drove by and stared. Finally an ambulance came. “Are you alright?” inquired the paramedic. “I’m fine, Im just trying to have a conversation with god and he ain’t sayin much.” The paramedic drove off. Being fed up with god, and this worthless statue I walked off as well.
I walked down Hempstead Turnpike, passing the gas station, the bus stop and a cop stopped me again. “You alright?” He got out of his vehicle and flashed my eyes with a small light. “Just hoping for a miracle.” I said. “We all hope for that.” He remarked. He returned to his vehicle. “Good luck.” He said. “You too.” I made my way back home. Went strait to my room and turned on my computer. I looked at the News on the internet. War was definite, imminent and the outcome uncertain. Weapons of Mass Destruction were the catalyst for war. It was bullshit. I tried focusing my attention on something else. I knew if I was going to protest, I probably wouldn’t have a chance to renew my Diablo 2 characters. They expire in 90 days if not played regularly. I logged onto Battle.net. I signed onto my level 90 Paladin, Seanith. As soon as I signed on I received a message. *Exile seal closed. I received an Instant Message from Walt Schmidt my old mentor and science teacher from the 6th grade to the 8th grade in California. “Sean, I hear there’s gonna be a protest at a school.”
It impacted me even less this time. I was already panicked and worried. My father had called some latin roofers to do the roof. I walked out the front door. I was in a daze, and confused state. I walked to Mcdonalds around the corner. Some old lady snapped at me as I ordered. I left and saw different signs everywhere. PSN read one, a stop sign was in the middle of nowhere. I read the ads off of the bus stops. “Foxtons” one read, “Sacrifice everything”. I kept going there was another bus stop “Foxtons”, ‘Sacrifice nothing.” I couldn’t decide what to do. I went back home turned on the T.V. “Ohhh he ran naked infront of a couple of kindergardeners it was really pathetic.” WHAT?! I jumped up and ran outside. That didn’t happen, would it happen? Did i do it already? I ran, dashed and bolted to the highschool. I stopped at some point. I couldn’t decide what to do. I was stalling. I stopped again at this drainage point and in my mind dreamt that as I dredged through the water, it parted. I was soaked from the waist down. I hopped over the fence. I was a mess. I passed by Pepinos Pizzeria I kept going towards the high school. As I started crossing the street into oncoming traffic a voice inside my head went off. “GO, NOW.” I had tunnel vision. Like when you look out a car window and stare at the sky. I stopped in the middle of the street. “BEEEEEEEEEP” A red lexus IS had been honking its horn. I woke up...whoa. Im losing it.
I walked onward past the school. Mr. Singer my social studies teacher, opened a window and yelled “SEAN!” and shut the window. I could swear I could see on the red brick of the building, the word “Death.” I couldn’t focus I walked around the school endlessly searching for something. Myself perhaps, Jenna maybe, I stopped when I saw an official looking gentleman. “Are you the president?” It was a stupid question to ask, he obviously wasn’t the president. “We’re not your enemies, Sean.” This was the security guard. I couldn’t think, I didn’t know what he was talking about. I walked on trying to find anyone who would talk to me.
No one did, The moon was starting to peter in over the horizon. “Oh its scar face” said one girl. I did have a small scar on my cheek. She pointed at it. I tried to talk to people only to be brushed away. No one cared what I was going through. I passed by Joe Pillado and a few of my other friends. “BITCH!” Joe yelled. I should have been angry. My mind now a shallow wasteland slipping into chaos, I walked around in circles at the high school. I stopped at the parking lot. “I can’t find it.” said one girl. She made the impression she was looking for something. “I found it! My diamond earring.” And they left without so much as a passing word to me.
I was scared, I made my way home. A cop approached me. “Hey, can you come with me?” I hopped in the back without thinking. “Your scaring people, nobody knows whats goin on.” I said nothing. “You alright?” he said. “Can you take me home?” he nodded “Sure.” This was a twist of events, a cop was taking me home. I was usually on the other side.
As we arrived at my house, I wanted to tell him to turn on his sirens and scream down the street. But I couldn’t think. My sense of humor was all but destroyed. “Thanks.” I said and exited the cop’s Ford Crown Victoria.
I walked inside my house and slept my mind stirred about thoughts of running, to anywhere, Naked...Maybe on the highway, they’d have to notice me then. I have to fight this! I went to sleep my heart aching and the euphoria finally leaving.
The next morning the roofers had returned. I turned on the T.V. I paced back and forth as the president spoke. “My fellow citizens, the dangers to our country and the world will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace. We will defend our freedom. We will bring freedom to others. And we will prevail. May God bless our country and all who defend her. “ It really came down to one thing. I was going to have to do something and I was going to have to do it right now. I ran outside and eyed the latin roofers. They stared at me strangely. I climbed up their ladder leading to the roof and danced a furious jig.
“Sean! Get down from deh!” yelled my dad.
I didn’t listen. My father had called the cops.
“Hey you alright buddy?” said one of the bald headed cops..
The latin roofers, bantered more worried than anything.
“Why don’t you come down from there, okay?” said another cop.
I looked left then right and unconsciously came down the ladder, shaking and nervous.
“I have to save the world.” I said defiantly.
Again I did mock impressions of Arnorld Schwarzenneger.
“ARGUH!”
The cops looked at each other, confused. “You been taking anything buddy?” he flashed my eyes with a light.
“No...No.” I echoed nervously.
“Okay, why don’t you come with us buddy?” the big bald cop said.
My dad had someone else on the phone. Who I don’t know. I wasn’t paying anymore attention to the cop.
“Okay, your coming with us.” he said.
“Where are we going?” I asked unsuspecting.
“For a little ride, okay.” he hinted. I followed him out the front door and spotted the ambulance. “Uhhh no, no, Im fine.” I motioned back towards the door. “Whoa, whoa, whoaaa everything is gonna be alright just come with us.” He grabbed me by the arm and I didn’t fight back.
“Where we takin’ im’?” asked the driver. The other cop looked at me, as if to say hahahaha your crazy.
“NASSAU.” And there I was once again on my way back to the tower. This time would be different. The world was going to end I told myself and it was my fault.
When I entered the E.R. through the same hospital doors the scene was different. There were no old men lying down half dying. There was not one person this time who was interested in me. I felt vague, like a shadow of what I had been when I first arrived. The cops waited around and bullshitted. They pointed at me. “Hes on detox.” How I was classified on detox, I don’t know. Either way urinalysis proved negative I had not been taking any drugs.
As the cops waited and my dad arrived. I was barely coherent. I tried to talk amongst some of the strangers but no one would have it. Who listens to some random psychjob anyway?
“Sean ya alright?” he asked.
“No, I’m not alrirh...” Something caught my attention one of the passing nurses going through the same double doors I had once ran through.
“Sean are ya okay?” he asked again.
“I want to go home, I wanna see mom.” I cried out.
He consoled me “You will, you will everything is gonna be alright.”
He patted me on the back of the head repetitively. At this point the cops left and I was nearly alone with my father. My dad was still talking but I wasn’t listening. There was only one person on my mind, Jenna.
After a while he said “Common lets go, we’re goin’ inside.” I looked up and could feel the nervous tears start to come down my cheek.
“They’re not gonna be there this time either...are they?” I said.
“Who son?” he said confused.
“Nobody, nevermind, lets go.” I surrendered, I gave up. I didn’t even have Lori my therapist from last time. If it weren’t for my dad, I would have been alone. It was more than that though I had lost that magical euphoric feeling of tranquility. I was no longer pure I told myself.
“Hi...Sean, listen were gonna put ya back on Zyprexa, Okay?...And you just relax and get some rest, your dad says you haven’t been eating.” I nodded not really acknowledging anything. I went to sleep once again exiled from reality. “I’ll see ya later son.”...”Get betta.”
The next day the war had started.
I like the truthfulness to what you're writing. Its not publishable, yet, but the story, the reality of it is there.
I just tried to make another girlfriend only to be hung up on.
Fuck my whining gotta write till I'm in the here and now so I can forget this bullshit.
Also according to the survey 48.9% are male while 51.9% are female the number of females over males being a little under 500. Which ponders the question why can't I get laid? Out of 500 hundred possible single women not one of them will willingly fuck me.
Thats not entirely true there was one Jenna, not the type of girl everyone knows or follows but there was just something about her. Her hair mainly, long dark hair, she was also on the tall side and very thin. I thought she had a striking resemblance to Marylon Manson that was however not a reason to be attracted to her.
We met in highschool and kept in touch when she moved in the 10th grade and later we would meet each other again in roughly a year from her emigration to Florida. I would chase after her for 4 years. But wait Im getting ahead of myself you still have no clue what I'm on about.
(If you are uninterested in the layout of West Hempstead you may skip this section)
As you enter West Hempstead from the east assuming your taking Hempstead Turnpike you will immediately see The Lantern Diner (another one of those typical diners that
litter Long Island) and no less than 3 gas stations. Taking a left on Nassau Boulevard will take you strait into Garden City South, to Nassau Boulevard Train Station and
Adelphi University. Going strait on the Turnpike on your right you will pass a bank, a dry cleaner, a guitar shop, a small indian restaurant, a Subway/Smoke shop, Dunkin Donuts /Baskin Robins, Gas Stations, A 7/11, A few tire shops, The Witches Brew (The Local Coffee House), . On your left you will pass a furniture company, Men's Warehouse, RAXX (bar and pool tables), Tabu (a horrendous club) formerly known as OZ , A KB Toys, A Chinese Restaurant, A pizza deli, An Eckhart drug and convience store, Pathmark a sizable grocery store, A Radioshack, Another dry cleaner, Astoria Federal Savings Bank, Taco King, Mandee, Quiznos, Gamestop, GNC, Pet Supplies PLUS, The Infamous Capri Motel, a Karate Dojo, beside it a women’s fitness center, A Mcdonalds, Burger King, Wendy’s, White Castle, countless barber shops and hair salons, several autorepair shops, Liquidators and finally Cherry Valley Deli one of the last jobs I had. Taking a right onto Nassau Boulevard will take you past Chestnut Street School onward you will find a small plaza this plaza contains a parking area, a mortgage
refinancing company, a small convience store, a hair salon, Pepinos Pizza Restaurant (where I have eaten many times during highschool) and an Autorepair shop. From there you will hit a light, on the left is Roosevelt Boulevard this will immediately take you directly to the entrance of Echo Park (A swimming and exercise community pool.)
Continue going strait on Roosevelt Boulevard and you will eventually hit Hempstead Avenue. Roosevelt Boulevard also branches out back to Hempstead Turnpike and other streets all containing residential homes. One of these streets Madison Avenue is where Jenna used to live. Continuing down Nassau Boulevard will take you once again past Echo Park and at the light is West Hempstead Middle School interconnected by bridge causeway is West Hempstead High School. Both schools are built of red brick and are unimpressive to the eye but looks can be deceiving. There are an assortment of characters in both schools teacher and student alike.
During my duration of stay at West Hempstead Highschool I met a few of these characters. Andrew my then arch-nemesis now close friend (right asshole) who is adept with all things scientific and technological. Johan a Flip, another close friend whose a 5'2" powder keg of artistic genius with a really small penis. Joe a Columbian whose on his way to resembling Jabba the Hut and has about as much capacity for locomotion as a Series 500 Japanese Bullet train without rails. His talent, movies and criticizing them along with basically everything else. Julio a Salvadorian his talents vary from jumping over cars to pulling out before he busts. Matt a premature baby at birth with a nack for sports trivia and commentary, golf being his passtime. Enrico an Italian with a passion for wrestling as in WWE (then WWF), his mating call usually resonating the hall "YOOOOOOOOOOOO". His pastime smoking marijuana. Miguel who now is fighting in Iraq as I type this. Is a Dominican whose parents died, his father shot and killed his mother dying of disease. Mario (pronounced MARY OH) a football player...Yeah a football player. Ricardo a Jamaican with a heavy accent also fighting in Iraq and one of my first friends. Sam a Jew with enough fake celebrity porn to fill a small server. Greg an African American with a great poker hand a really, really, GREAT poker hand. Probably the loudest black person I've ever met and smokes Newports of course. Alex whose Andrew's brother and claims to be great at bullshitting which I can attest to he is quite the bullshit artist alright. These are my friends and I love them all equally.
My teachers included Mr. Les Cohn who taught intro to computers, Mr. Hufnagel who taught intro to occupations and was ex-military but not your typical army bulldog type. Mrs. Schaeffer who taught intro to marketing and keyboarding. I remember her telling us to bring something in for Show and Tell in Marketing. I presented the class with my father’s Viagra and was sent to the office where I first met Mr. Ross. the then vice principal. “Viagra? Mr. Canavan ya can’t bring drugs onto school grounds and what the hell ya need that for.” Mrs. Lent for history and Mr. Blette the following year. English was taught by a Mr. Bonasia who I think was probably both one of the best teachers I had and one of the strangest. The next year I had Mrs. Dunbar who was as valley girl as a long island woman can get. I attacked her clothing choice when she commented on our style of dress. She never wore another skirt to class. For Earth Science I would have Mr. Cohen who was young, jewish, and had short sexy red hair oh baby. Yeah...but anyway that class was also full of characters. I would meet John (a white italian), and his extroverted semi-sidekick Yaniv another Jew. Don who would eventually prove correct that there are such things as 250 ft high tsunamis. John P another italian with an attitude. Tina who was something of a Tom Boy and often mentioned the crazy trips (Acid) she was on. Others included Andy a white kid, Lisa a very giddy dark haired blonde type. And a few others that really didn’t strike me as all that interesting. Biology in the next year was taught by Mrs. Hemburger who thought and often reflected that maybe “The hokey pokey was what it was all about.” For all I know it just might be. I noticed that she would lock the door and converse with a certain balding male teacher. I thought I would accelerate the process and left a note for her acting as that teacher.
It read :
“From teacher shine my bald head baby.” and attached was a Vaginal Condom left behind from my mother.
Math which continues to be my worst subject was taught by Mr. Cluxton not only did I fail the class I often wanted to toss my desk out the window and watch it fall two stories and shatter below. This is also the class where I would meet Jenna by touching the back of her long dark hair. I’d get to meet Zack who would encounter me in the future. Cluxton was not a bad math teacher infact he was pretty entertaining, I simply don’t understand algebra all that well. The next year I was assigned to the same level of Algebra but a different teacher. Mrs. Benson, I personally thought she was a bad math teacher. Also the fact that It was first period class didn’t help either.
Other electives included Art and Study Hall. Art with Mrs. Kane became a sort of pseudo battleground she most often challenging my coming out of the crazy. She was a bitch essentially and tried to break me on a few occasions calling me a retard to my face. Lucky we never met on the street bitch! I would encounter Joe and Miguel both in that class. Elise/Ellise, whatever the fuck her name is. Would become a sort of thorn in my side. I would also learn of this Tony who would later become the antagonist of this story for years.
I was able to avoid Physical Education with scoliosis or curvature of the spine. Which I received surgery for at Beth Israel in New York City in 1998. I now have a Titanium steel rod in my back. Highschool is only the middle of the story. In 9th grade I was placed in St. Mary’s detention center for 90 days by court order from a PINS Petition filed by my mother. The 10th grade I was informally kicked out of the highschool for an outside event that occurred during April of 2002. This event caused a chain reaction that would result in my first hospitalization and my recurring visits. Though I have often argued with myself whether such hospitalizations were static and not continuos they were infact all directly related to each other and the same problems existed in each one. Each hospitalization however was a new experience and brought me closer to what I wanted in myself, perfection. I like everyone else have my ups and downs and mind you there were some pretty high ups and some pretty damn down and dirty lows. But I came out each time with a new head and less insecure then before. I had many experiences from the metaphysical to the surreal and the ridicules. I have made many mistakes whether or not they were good or bad is not for me to decide for all I know they could have been blessings in disguise. I come from a broken family being torn apart by time, space, alcohol and being Italian. My mom now goes to AA but is still Italian. I have come to see both of my parents strengths and tried to apply them to myself. While avoiding their insidious weaknesses that plagued my upbringing. I have one brother, who continues to hate and resent me. I hope by writing this I may heal some of those wounds inflicted by each other. There is also one other thing that has been bothering me for many, many years since I was 7 or 8 in the 2nd grade, I recall a substitute teacher his name starting with something like a Whi or Wis. This man claimed to climb Mount Everest. I felt respect for this man because I was a smart kid and knew what he was talking about. he became more than a man he became a sage. I remember him at the end of the day saying “If anyone ever hurts you just crawl into a shell where nobody can touch you.” I remember his face like it was yesterday. If I ever see this man again I will kill him. Word of advice hide in a shell you lose your mind.
For those reading this whether you have been a victim of the mental health system or a servant amongst it, whether you have loved and lost or never loved at all, whether you are poor or rich, fool or smart ass, crazy or sane. You will learn something and hopefully reach some kind of epiphany that may just change your life as it did mine. For Psychologists this is a chance to see into the mind of a Schizophrenic, Schizo-effective, Bi-Polar or whatever else you decide to diagnose me. And take heed with what damage you can do with a word. I can only dedicate this to those who have
accompanied me on my quest. I truly wish during those chances I had I could have done more for you. All of you were proverbial angels who fell into the depths of hell because you were simply victims of circumstance. If any of you wish to contact me you can hit me up at [email]Nuderunner@gmail.com[/email]. I also want to mention the guys & girls at Firstones.com, thanks for everything and not banning me. Finally before you read on and begin this twisted shit, I’d take a good look around you and make sure you have a teddy bear or most probably a dildo. Note that everything I write hereon in is true to my word. Its as consistent as my memory is and being a historian I dare you to question it. Well thats about it good luck and try to keep your sanity. HAHA!
The doctor took one last look at the file Sean Canavan diagnosed Bi-Polar 8 hospitalizations over 4 years. Tends to expose self and derobe. Family includes Mother, Father and Brother non suffer from mental illness. Grandfather’s sister + Schizophrenic. The doctor looked up from the paper flipped the last page over and looked up from his desk. Slowly making his way out of his office to the ward. The last thing on his mind was his patients. His most innate quality was his impatience. He’d waited what 3 months for this woman and still he hadn’t fucked her. He grew satisfied with that though, but thats what bothered him. I’ve given her flowers, taken her to broadway even went on a trip to Bermuda with her. And still no damn return on my investment. Sure a good kiss every now and then but he was seriously going to lose it with this girl if nothing came of it. Great one phone call every night. But that usually only made things worse. When he wanted to hang up he’d stay on even longer. He was annoyed at his own contradictory nature. It truly defied what he thought he was as a psychiatric doctor. I’m decisive, stern when need be, but caring and compassionate. I’ve saved people from themselves. Yes I am good at what I do. But when it came to his own personal life he was about as decisive as a coin toss in space. He just couldn’t deal with the real world only the fake one constructed by the four walls of the asylum. He was just as much a prisoner as they were, but he didn’t know it. Till he met me of course.
He passed by some familiar faces on the way to the ward. Doctor Schlector from pediatrics, Doctor Randoplh from optometry. All familiar faces, yep it was just gonna be another day in his happy kingdom. till he met me.
He hopped into the first floor elevator that would lead to the 15th floor. ‘Have a nice day doctor’ said one leaving nurse. She was cute he thought. God I’d give her a helluva night if iI had the chance. Yeah it was gonna be another day...Heheh till he met me.
DING said the elevator
He stepped out being the last anything to leave the elevator. This was the psychward. He walked his cool, walk and talked his cool doctor talk. ‘Hows everything with 12a?’ “Good Doctor, just fine.” he grabbed the nurses notes and walked through the office station. “Whoa, wait whose this?”
“New kid doctor, he has some...issues.”
“Get em for me we need to make a plan.” Cause thats what psychiatrists are good at, making plans. Plans that never work.
“HEY DOC!” hehe he met me alright. Bare assed and balls hanging.
“JUST ANOTHER DAY EHH DOC? HAHAHA.”
*This is fictional
[I]April 19, 2002[/I]
It was one of those typical spring breaks when you had absolutely nothing to do. Where shadows loom darkness shines and there was one big fat ass black shadow over my head, I was in the darkest mood I could ever be in. A week ago I was in Florida with my dad and brother to visit my grandmother. As we were driving into my grandmother’s garage I felt my heart collapse as if that big black shadow just surrounded it. My brother stepped out of the car and I stopped my dad.
“Dad”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t feel anything.”
I forget exactly what he said next probably
“You’ll be alright.”
My dad is a big guy, balding and looks closely like Homer Simpson. We got out of the car and entered the house through the garage door. Inside we came to the living room where lies a couch and a a big screen projector and made our way to the kitchen. All three of us ate at the table along with my grandmother. My dad picked up some Checkers. Checkers is another fast food joint a few steps up from Mcdonalds, Burger King but not quite Jack in the Box. I highly recommend the Jack in the Box Monster Taco its fantastic. I took two bites of my burger and stared at it for the next 5 minutes thinking about what I was going to do when I got back to school. You see I’m a planner I always like to know what exactly is going to happen next. Highschool for me was the grounds where I experimented along with Andrew in many comedic endeavors. The 10th grade was the deciding point in which I decided to make the move over from the quiet dark brooding crazy guy to the so called attention whore. I was 16 at the time and passionately wanted to be a Navy SEAL. I immersed myself in Clancy, Clive Cussler novels, while picking up as much non fiction and historical references as I could. And what guy doesn’t like Tom Clancy, guns, Russians, and blowing shit up. I ran 3 miles everyday to keep in shape I was definitely gonna start going to the gym. But yeah school I was always trying to top myself what the hell could be funnier than stripping? I couldn’t think of anything and I felt like my hit album just dropped off the charts.
“Sean are you alright?” This was dad.
guy doesn’t like Tom Clancy, guns, Russians, and blowing shit up. I ran 3 miles everyday to keep in shape I was definitely gonna start going to the gym. But yeah school I was always trying to top myself what the hell could be funnier than stripping? I couldn’t think of anything and I felt like my hit album just dropped off the charts.
“Sean are you alright?” This was dad.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go lay down.” I said monotonously.
“Ya didn’t even touch your burger.” he said surprised.
“I know.” I said
“Ya can go in my room Sean, its to your right.” My grandmother
After about 10 minutes I passed out still thinking about what I was going to do next. when I woke up it was time to go. Later I’d look back on the trip, it was probably pretty good. We went to Disney World and Universal Studios my first time there since I was 5 I think. So yeah now that I’ve gotten through the fluff lets get to the real shit. Some of my friends say it might have been the weed none of them think it was a sign from god but I sure did.
When we got back to West Hempstead I was still down and hadn’t changed clothes for days. The grass stains covered my old navy blue jeans. I didn’t care really and started for the front door of the house. My brother Ryan and his friend Steve were talking to each other about what I don’t know I wasn’t listening. I made my way out the door and I took a walk right down the block making my way to the corner. I passed by a few houses my neighbor to my right was Vincy (Hindi) from school but I didn’t know her well enough to just knock on her door. I went passed 3 other houses and came up to the house my bro egged when he was 14 and nearly got arrested. I hit the end of the block and took a left down the hill onto Cherry Valley Ave. Cherry Valley Ave is not a big deal its mostly small commercial stuff and yeah the Sanitation Department. Alot of people ask if you get a whiff o that shit. No you really don’t thats why its the Sanitation Department and not a fucking landfill. As I came onto Cherry Valley Ave something strange was going on a rent a cop was driving in circles with a loudspeaker saying “DO NOT CROSS THE STREET.” repeating his warning several times. I continued walking on the sidewalk and passed a guy using one of those emergency P.O. Box Phones he wasn’t saying anything. I kept going and made another right upto this one street. I can’t remember what I did next but I recall thinking for some reason that I was Hitler. When I got home I sat down on the couch and stared at the mirror I could actually see a hitler stache on my face. It scared the hell out of me. I got closer to the mirror and it disappeared. I went upstairs trying to forget it and laid down. Calm the fuck down I was telling myself you’ve got school in a week. I fell asleep.
When I woke up it was night around eightish. I went downstairs into the kitchen my dad was watching the Rangers game.
“Why do you watch sports?” I asked.
“Its fun to watch.” he replied. I nodded and made my way to the living room where there was the couch and the other TV. I turned it on flicking through channels I stopped at CNN for a second some random commentator was saying “It would take 8 or 9 Hitlers to run this country.”, “We don’t have all the answers.” I thought nothing of it and flipped to Discovery. It was repeating every few seconds “Bio Lab in thirty minutes, Bio Lab in thirty minutes.” I tried ignoring that also. When finally I came upon Telecare (The Christian Channel) and this was the point where I lost it or got the crazy. The people watching were clearly staring at the camera with gifts of some kind. I immediately took this as a sign it was for me of course. I gasped and felt a rush of excitement. I shut off the TV and ran out the front door sprinting at speeds I didn’t know I could reach. I was going to go strait to church. I passed Vincy’s and the egged house when I made my way up this hill onto Grand Ave. This was it I was thinking this is how Im going to top myself. This was the moment of truth. The moment I was born for! Suddenly without a thought my hands decided to take my clothes off and I was naked. I ran on leaving my tattered clothes behind and my wallet too. For that moment I lived in the here and now not planning just going along with what was happening. Just as I was running a lady was shaking the dust off her frontdoor mat. She saw me and instantly summoned an “Ughhhhh” as if she just peered at the excrement of someone who has just released stomach acid. She closed the door on herself and probably called the cops. I sprinted down a few streets winding down each road till I crossed Lexington Ave where my friend Zack lived. I stopped at his house and stood in front of his driveway.
“Zack!”
“Zack!” The only response I got was laughter. “Zack, turn on CNN!.” “Turn on CNN.” Continuous laughter almost the loudest I ever heard.
After hearing enough I started to walk away and thats when the ambo came. They were nice, as nice as you can get when your about to arrest somebody.
The cop was an older guy maybe in his late 50s, early 60s. He looked at me laughed and said “How old are you?” I replied “Eighteen.” He then asked me the question that was probably the deciding factor in his decision to arrest me.
“Who are you?”
“Jesus.”
The cop giggled. “Alright were gonna cuff ya.”
I turned around and accepted the shackles. While he rapped a robe around me. I made my way into the back of the ambulance led by the nice cop. I took a look back and saw that half the block was out of there houses watching me. I thought nothing of it. And sat in the ambulance. There was another cop sitting there. I honestly thought they were going to take me to church that this was all a big surprise, a joke if you will. The other cop asked me a question that did something to me.
“Your father is James Canavan right?” I didn’t answer instead I started asking myself, how the hell did he know that. And then whoa, my vision blurred and fabricated, twisting and expanding/retracting. Its probably what some might experience on an acid trip. There were no drugs involved here just sheer weirdness. It felt like my soul wanted to jump out of my body. I sat in the ambulance for about 20 mins till we hit the Tower of Babel otherwise known as Nassau Community Medical Center. (NCMC) They opened the doors and I exited the ambulance. They led me in through the doors into what was the E.R. Looking around it was all white and almost stinging my eyes. It had that smell of disinfectant that permeates all hospitals. My sense of smell was so much stronger almost too strong. I sneezed a few times. I tried to explore the small E.R. only being told not to go past the front desk. I asked for water and received some. I sat down not knowing what I was thinking exactly. I got up to the bathroom a few times and said to the guy at the desk in a whisper “Turn on CNN.” He looked at me and went back down to his papers. I then said with my arms opened wide “My life is kinda like a desert and theres this one rose right in the middle.” No one appeared to pay attention. I took a look around and noticed an old man lying down in pain. I wanted to reach out to him but didn’t try to touch him. I went into another room in the E.R and touched someone else and he got up. Some of the staff pulled me away and one of them said sarcastically “Okay yeah.”
I sat back down and one of the nurses took a stethoscope to my chest and almost immediately jumped up and gasped. She looked at me and walked away. It was as if some sort of energy were fighting for control of my body. Flowing up my left lung then going down my right lung back and forth. I tried to control it, slow it down and stop it but it continued relentlessly. I wonder if this is what catholics call the holy spirit. whatever it was it had a lasting effect on my body for about a year leaving me in a state of euphoria. As the nurse left my dad showed up. Though my dad is probably one of the most solitary people I know he gave me a big hug and asked me
“Are you alright.”
“Yeah.” I said. Not really though I had no clue what was going on in my body or where the hell I was. After a long silence I got up and moseyed around a bit when my therapist Lory showed up.
“Sean are you okay?” It seemed to come from miles away. I was happy to see her though.
“Lory!”
What she said afterward I could not understand and they took me past the front desk and sat me down with my father, Lory and two other doctors. They wrote furiously and asked me questions that I now can’t remember. Something like “do you have powers?” I replied “Yes.” They asked me other questions regarding these powers I said “I can heal people.” Whatever they asked me next I do not remember the rest is a blur. After getting up from the room I sat with my dad. I began to panic for some reason I stood up looked to my left where there was a door then to my right where there was another door. My dad looked at me.
“Sean?”
I didn’t respond.
“Sean?”
I looked to my right and stormed out the double doors. Seriously bad move... On the other side of those door was a green hallway where a nurse sat perched on a seat, her writing in a notebook. She looked at me still with my robe on, I tried to go back out the double doors it was hopeless. I went up to the woman and rhetorically asked her “Wheres your sense of fun and adventure?” she stopped writing got up and talked excitedly almost as if she were offended. I couldn’t understand a word she said. I felt like shit right then and there. This was getting worse and worse. I saw a door, on the door was the letter I in big capital letters. I went for the door, turned the knob and it refused to open. I stepped away from the door. Suddenly two rather heavy black orderlies faced me, turned me around and marched me to what became my room. I tried laying down when I closed my eyes I could see stars literally stars. When I opened them again I realized someone else was in the room.
“Got all kinda crazy thoughts huh?” I looked at him he was a fat black kid.
“Yeah.” I tried to relax and all I could think was they’re watching me, THEY’RE WATCHING ME. I got up and went to the steel crisscrossed window and tried to pull at what I thought was a gap in the window but ended up being some kind of hip hop picture. I went out of the room again my breathing changed and my fingers started to curl inward on themselves I felt a strange darkness go down my chest. I fell on the ground and struggled to stand again. The orderlies returned and picked me up forced me on the bed and tied me with restraints. I tried to resist but the restraints which were pinkish fur like bands seemed to get tighter and even shift color when I tried to free myself.
At one point I remember a girl with a towel walking past with a look of complete fear as if she just saw the devil himself. I could actually see above her the words Woman. I could hear the scurrying of the nurse’s pen. For some reason I asked “Why did she stop writing?” She stopped then the orderlies arrived they untied me then turn me over naked and gave me a shot strait in the ass. In the panic I screamed “NOOOOOOOOOO!” When I got up I took one last look around at them, at the room, at the stars I was seeing when I closed my eyes. Who was scared more me or them?
When I woke I was wearing the robe and I heard my father. “Sean?” I walked out of the room and gave him a hug “Dad.” I recall other people standing around but no one I can remember now. My dad and another cop took me by both arms and walked me around outside the ward. I remember tripping almost parallel to Jesus himself carrying the cross they dragged me for a bit. The cop started giggling I said “YOUR GONNA GIVE ME ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY!” And tried to pull away.
“No were not gonna do that.” the cop said.
My dad said nothing and we kept moving. The place had an odd smell almost like it was burnt or something. We went up and down the elevator in what appeared to be some kind of cycle. When we passed a door that went to the outside I tried to escape but they held me tight.
“Not yet son.” This was my father.
We made our way back to the ward my dad said one last thing.
“Your gonna be o.k., I’ll see you later alright.”
“Dad no, don’t go.” I wanted to cry honestly but couldn’t bring myself to drop a tear.
“I can’t son they won’t let me stay.” He hugged me and gave me a kiss with his furry mustache hanging over his lips. That almost doesn’t right...Anyway I watched him leave and went back to sleep.
I woke up again that night in another room and tried to masturbate unfortunately whatever was going on in my body totally screwed with my sex drive. I didn’t want to physically but mentally I knew it might relax me. Some tall black dude was watching me I didn’t care.
“You beatin off?” he said darkly. I simply looked at him and nodded. Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. I saw him look back probably at one of the other staff on the ward and shake his head.
I went back to my self pleasure but unfortunately my body wouldn’t respond to the effects of the stimuli. I also noticed the bubble like mirror that often holds a camera behind it. I never found out if there were cameras or not and to this day am still paranoid that they may have been watching me. I tried to leave the room only to be pushed back by the tall black dude. “You aint leavin man.” I sat back down and tried to get to sleep my mind was wired, wired for sex and it was all I could think about while my body wanted to sleep. I must have passed out at some point because I woke up again and this time two female nurses picked me up and tossed me in the shower. I was scared as fuck but thinking back it was two female nurses.
“We gotta see if your ok honey.” One of the larger nurses said. I didn’t like her from the start she seemed fat to me.
She yelled “Make sure you get everything.” I take it I was supposed to laugh, I didn’t. After bathing I stepped out of the shower and they were waiting with a towel. They helped dry me off and gave me a polyester garment with little snow flakes and diamonds on it. I put it on reluctantly when I stepped out lots of people were moving fast back and forth passing each other, talking quickly. I sort of just stood and watched something went off in my head but I let it pass. I probably should have said something like stop assholes. Either way things started to slow down. And a heavy set black woman all in blue nurses uniform called out “BREAKFAST.” Everyone swarmed in, I entered last. I sat in a corner away from everybody there was pure silence. I wasn’t hungry and what was on the table didn’t look to appetizing. I stared outside trying to get a glimpse of what my surroundings where beyond the crisscrossed steel I could see cars below it was some kind of parking lot and what kinda resembled a sort of campus making up the rest of the hospital. The cars were the first sign of civilization I had seen since I had been here it gave me a bit of relief, I wasn’t in another dimension yet or maybe I was? I still thought to myself they’ll never let me go. I looked back around the room 5 tables one with a checker board on it. Green plastic chairs not very comfortable. I looked at the other people around the tables. The fat black kid slobbed his breakfast & kept to himself. Two other guys were present. There was a white kid it looked like he worked out a little bit. The other kid was a short black kid with nappy hair. The one girl I saw was in with two others they seemed to be whispering about something. One was a tall black girl very slender not voluptuous though Id hit that if given the opportunity. The other was a red head I thought she might be Jewish. There was also a third girl who I thought was the most attractive of all. Short dark hair, on the tall side and a bit curvy. That made seven of us and maybe there were others. I took a look around at the small office windowed once again crisscrossed steel, I saw a few nurses writing furiously and looking at me but being careful not to look like they were. The fat nurse approached me “Ya gotta eat so you can get better.” I looked at the food, looked at her and walked out of the room. I went to my room and laid down on the bed. I did not want to be here and the only thought I kept having was Im never going to leave...EVER. This sure was no church.
[I]April 25th[/I]
Waking up again my dad appeared. “Hey son.” I got up in my garment and embraced him again.
“Dad I’m sorry.” I said. “Its ok its not your fault.”
“Dad when am I gonna get outta here?” I said a bit panicked
“Well you gotta get better first and they have to do some tests.”
“Get better? I’m fine.” At least I thought I was.
“Your not, you gotta stay for a while.” he said authoritatively
“DAD this place is fucked up ok?” I ment it with true vehement conviction.
“Alright, stop right there I got ya some food.” It was Mcdonalds if you can call that real food. I grabbed the bag and pulled out the cheeseburger forgetting my retort. I wolfed down the burger quickly I guess I was hungry. boy was that a tasty burger. My dad watched and sat next to me silently. I was about halfway through when I started to cry. My dad gave me a hug.
“You’re gonna be alright. Don’t think about nothin.” I could tell my dad was uncomfortable this wasn’t his type of thing.
“Listen the doctors are gonna take ya downstairs they want to see whats goin on in there.”
“Dad I want to go home, I thought this was a joke.” I still did, it had to be.
“Nah its not son...Common I’ll be with ya.” He got up wrapped around my shoulder.
“I really don’t want to do this but ok.” I said thinking maybe I’ll get out of here faster. That was the wrong type of thinking though and I knew it. We walked down the hallway no one except the two fat nurses stood by we went down the hall passed the door with the letter I on it on the girl’s side of the ward through revolving doors that the tall black dude let us through with his set of keys. He looked at me and I looked back “aright don’t run or nothin.”
As we exited we came to an elevator there were no other people about. We entered the elevator and a black nurse was inside. He looked at me and said “Hey Sean.” WHAT?! I thought... got a good look at him this time and he didn’t look like anyone from the night. Maybe I really was on T.V.
“Who are you?” I asked a little spooked.
“A nurse.” he joked. I didn’t think it was funny.
My dad hit the L on the display panel for the elevator. I looked back at the guy once more as I walked out. Weird...He hit the elevator button and the door slid shut. I continued to follow my dad I was starting to think of the electro shock therapy again. “Dad where are you taking me?” I asked curiously. “They wanna give you an Xray on ya head.” Which head I was wondering? As we hung a right going down the all too bright white halls I noticed more of those glass bubble camera holding things. I looked at my dad and let out a slight grin. “Dad am I on T.V?”
“Only on the bat channel.” he coyly replied.
“So is that a yes or a no?”
“Nope.” yes but...
“Is that no yes or yes no?” i wittily replied.
“No your not on T.V get that outta ya head.” he said almost to sternly, I was far from convinced. I kept smiling this was it the joke was about to end heres the punch line. I go in and everybody from school, mom will be there even my asshole brother. One big surprise, this was supposed to happen I knew it. They totally knew what I was going to do. No wonder they asked me so many questions. Of course, of course they had to know already who I was no wonder that dude knew my name. Hell there might even be Bruce Willis or better yet Jenna Jameson. We passed by two more corridors when finally we arrived...No party, No friends, just a huge MRI and two nurses. The nurse came upto me.
“Hi, Sean right?” maybe I was going to have a surprise after all.
My dad spoke “Yeah its him, hes my son.” No shit I was thinking. Common I really want to get this over with already.
“Sean can you come with me, my names mike...” I started to head towards him and he told me “Take off your clothes we have to put a suit on you.”
“Uhhh Birthday suit?” Not even trying to make a joke, he laughed and pulled out a heavy duty jacket that are commonly used to protect people from radiation. I began to take my clothes off.
“Sean...heheh...Sean wait a sec.” my dad didn’t know what to do I was “derobing” again.
I stood bare naked ready to face the crowd I believed was obviously hiding. Its you my friends who are in for the surprise! HAHA
“Ok yeah...so if you could just put on this jacket and lay down on the surface then we can begin.” He was probably thinking we have a real live one here. But at least he takes the initiative. Damn I have to piss...
I winked and nodded ok fine you still want to play this game. They had to have some kind of hooker or something ready to pounce me.
I layed down on the MRI and was fed to the radiative rays that would scan my brain.
Hold your breath...Breathe...Hold your breath...Breathe...On and on for 5 minutes strait. Where was the damn party?
I smiled okay wait a minute. “Testing, testing, 123.” I said.
“You okay in there?” I heard over the intercom, no not really “Im fine.”
“Just want to give a shout out to all my peeps in West Hempstead in the 516. My fam in the 831, Monterey California.” I thought I was on the radio.
I heard laughs from the guys over the intercom.
“Okay were done.” Done where the fuck is my hooker? The MRI began to retract and I stood up from the bed facing me was Mike the nurse again.
“Alright thank you we are all done here.” I gave him a glare something isn’t right here. “Common Sean we gotta go.” Man this is ridicules how much of this shit am I going to have to deal with. We made our way back down the halls back to elevator I was puzzled now I wondered what was going to happen next. Ding, the elevator doors slid open we entered no surprises their either. I had about a thousand questions going through my head, Where the fuck is this? What the hell was with the food? Why is everybody acting so spooked? Why are they keeping me here? I want out of this place!
“Dad what the hell is going on?” I wanted strait answers this time.
“I told ya there gonna test ya you get betta and ya can go.” Did he really believe the shit he was telling me. And go where back to what that same house with nothing?
“Bullshit...Somethings wrong here.” He looked at me a bit startled.
“Nothings wrong you gotta get betta.” He sounded annoyed now. My paranoia continued to ask questions.
“What do they know about me?”
“How much does who know about you?” my dad sounded confused.
“Nevermind...” I mumbled. I kept having this loop go on in my head I couldn’t think strait. What the hell is going on? Maybe dad was telling the truth maybe I am crazy. Can’t be cause this wasn’t my idea was it. This was the final conclusion of my life this had to be the end of the beginning. Soon I would be known to the world as its savior.
We made our way up to the ward still no more than a few people standing around. We entered the revolving door.
“Back awready?” It was the tall black dude.
“Yep where back.” This was dad
Going back through the halls was unusual like something out of the twilight zone. I thought things were going very badly now. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen yet.
“I’m gonna go lay down I don’t feel so hot.” I complained.
“Alright I’m gonna go then see ya later.” he said. See me later?
“How much later?”
“I’ll be back tonight alright.” “Okay...” I said a little bit fed up with everything. “Get betta.” he retorted I hated that get betta shit like I’ll ever be any better than this? I watched him walk out the revolving door a bit sad but I was already getting used to the place in a way. I passed by the heavy set black nurse “How are you?” She said. “Fine.” I replied. “You hungry at all? I saved some food for you.” she said cheerfully. “No, thanks though.” I began walking to my room I wanted to just lay down and clock out what a rough day. As I was about to enter the room I looked at her and said “Hey whats your name?” “Rosemary” she replied with a smile. “Nice to meet you Rosemary, Im gonna lay down.” “Okay I’ll be watching you, don’t take none of your clothes off.” was she joking? I entered my room and passed out in seconds.
Awaking once again to the 4 walls. I noticed the white kid again. I stared into space for a minute. Trying to remember if I had a dream or not. I keep a mental archive of all my dreams. “Hey I’m Jason.” He didn’t seem intimidated like the others. Maybe he was beginning to trust me. Whatever it was I said “Hi.”
“Where ya from man?” uhhhhh
“West Hempstead.”
“Im from Roosevelt.” I have no idea where that is thanks.
“Cool.” I want to kill you. “You ever been to this place called St. Mary’s?” well how the hell did he know that. “Yea actually its somewhere in Syosset, North Shore. Which house were you assigned to?”
“Lafferty you?” “Pollack.” I almost couldn’t believe it but it didn’t surprise me. It brought back a chain of memories that went back to a year ago.
[QUOTE]I come from a broken family being torn apart by time, space, alcohol and being Italian. My mom now goes to AA but is still Italian.[/QUOTE]
Great rhythm.