Babylon 5 / The Fast Show crossovers

This was something I was looking for a long long time. Most of these were gathered at a finnish b5 newsgroup and put on web like ages ago.

Finally I started to browse archive.org in order to find these and for my suprise I even found them!

So in order to "get" these jokes you need knowledge of a British comedy show called The Fast Show and well ofcourse Babylon 5. (Some of these are in finnish)



The 13th Duke of Wimbourne

"Me, the thirteenth duke of Wimbourne? Here? In ambassador
Delenn's quarters? At three o'clock in the night? With _my_
reputation? Well, it was prophecied!"
-Antti Partanen

G'Kar puolipukeissa kädessään viinipullo:
"Me, the last surviving member of the Kha'ri, here, in an
evacuation shuttle full of young earthling females? Really,
did nobody think of the consequences?"
-Matti Aumala

Delenn, at night in Sheridan's quarters, holding a glass ball
with a little house and snowflakes inside it:
"Me, Entil'Zha, Leader of the Rangers and a former Satai and
member of the Grey Council, in the quarters of Babylon 5's
commander John Sheridan, the Starkiller? In the middle of
the night? With MY reputation? I mean, what are they thinking?
Afterall, it's my destiny."
-Vili Ollila

"Me, the thirteenth duke of Wimbourne? Here? In a Shadow vessel?
With _my_ reputation? Did nobody think of the consequences?"
-Teppo Koivukangas

"Me, the thirteenth duke of Wimbourne? Here? In a cryogenic
storage facility, full of frozen telepaths? With _my_ reputation?
What were they thinking?"
-jhagglun

***

Anybody fancy a pint?

The Grey Council meeting.
Delenn: "We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star."
Minbari (lifts his hood): "Anybody fancy a pint?"
All but Delenn walk out.
-Vili Ollila

Ivanova, Marcus, Delenn ja John viettävät iltaa ja kertovat
toisilleen traumaattisita kokemuksistaan.
Ivanova: "And I have never told this to anyone, except John.
I am a latent telepath. I've been keeping it as a secret since
my mother.... took her own life... And it's really painful
to tell you --"
Marcus: "Anybody fancy a pint?"
Delenn: "Sure. Let's go."
-Katja Karhu

***

BLACK! BLACK!

"Ja nyt kun maalaamme tätä avaruusnäkymää, niin kiinnitä
erityistä huomiota tuon nebulan väreihin. Havaitsetko miten
se muodostaa hienon kontrastin tuon varjoaluksen kanssa? Tuo
varjoalus on muuten hyvin tumma. Melkeinpä... niin, tosiaan...
musta... musta... täytyy saada MUSTA pois! Mustaa, mustaa!
Epätoivo valtaa mielen! Tuho tulee eikä siltä voi pelastua!
Kuolema korjaa ja me olemme kaikki tuomittuja! Aaaaaaaaahhh!"
-Antti Partanen

Delenn ja Sheridan minbariristeilijän komentosillalla
(jaksossa "Shadow Dancing"):
J: "We seem to have a very colourful fleet, Delenn. Blue Minbari
ships, green Brakiri ships, White Stars... but those spidery
things... they seem very dark... almost BLACK!"
D: "John, let's go home. John... JOHN!"
-Panu Ruotsalainen

Sheridan ja Delenn minbarilassa:
S: "It was nice of you to take me to see this sunset on Minbar,
Delenn. It's absolutely stunning."
D: "Yes, It really is, isn't it. The strong yellows, the fiery
reds, the delicate shades of blue."
S: "And the sun's last rays reflecting from the crystalline
structures as it sets behind those majestic mountains. Yes,
those ominous mountains, they're very dark, almost black..."
D: "John, are you all right?"
S: "Black! BLACK! BLACK!! The shadows have seen us! They're
coming for me now! Do you hear them scream? They'll cut me in half!"
D: "John? John, maybe we should go back."
S: "I am a prisoner in a pit of darkness! Who are you, Mr Morden?
The executioner?"
D: "John!"
S: "Mommy, what's for dinner? Zarg bladder with charcoal?
Look at the smoke rising from the ruins of hope! Anna!
I'm coming!!" [runs away]
D:
-Matti Aumala

JMS: Hi John, have you come up with anything on those new alien shipsyet?
John: Yes I have. I see it in my mind, I see somthing black...
JMS: John?
John: Black! BLACK! Very BLACK indeed!
JMS: Johnny... Johnny!
John: The deadine is coming! [throws the keyboard across the room] The executive
producers are breathing down our necks. They want to execute us! [Trashes a
monitor] The network! The network is canceling our show! NOOOO! [falls on the
floor]
JMS: Johnny? I think it's time for you to find a job somewhere else.
-Aumalat Matti ja Ari

***

Bob Fleming

Bob: "Hello there, Bob Fleming here, krhm, excuse me.
Today my guest is the mysterious Mr. Kosh. And how are you, Mr Kosh?"
Kosh: "....if you go to Z'ha'Dum you will...ARSE"
-Jarkko Rannila

***

Brilliant!

Sheridan: "I've never seen a viewer like this before. What is it?"
Kosh: "Brilliant."
-Vili Ollila

Sheridan juoksee avaruuspuvussaan B5:n lastivakauttajilla
juhlimassa paluutaan (se ihmeen haarukka siinä aseman päädyssä)
ja huutaa:
"Brilliaaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!"
-Mike

***

Chanel 9

Ja nyt Paola ennustaa meille mitä olisi tapahtunut jos Valon
armeija olisi kämmännyt aikamatkustelussa ja varjot olisivat
vahvempina päässeethet-het-het-het-het-het-het-het-het-het-
het-het-het-het eri kulttuurien kimppuun:
Centauri: Scorchio!
Narn: Scorchio!
Gaim: Scorchio!
Drazi: Scorchio!
Humans: Scorchio!
Brakiri: Scorchio!
Minbari: Scorchio!
Vorlon: Scorchio!
-Antti Partanen

Channel Narn presentos:
A: "W'Kendos M'teorologico mit Pa'Ola!"
P: "Bo'No S'Tente. M'teorologico Pla'Netes:
Minbar: S'corchio!
Centauri prime: S'corchio!
Earth: S'corchio!
Narn: D'structio ton centauri Mass-Driver!"
A: "D'structio?"
P: "D'structio."
A: "N'terrupto, S'Pecialo Re'Porto: Ma'ximos Pa'Nikhos ton mainstreet.
Centauri fleetus A'Pearos ton orbitos. Pippi S'Naa! K'Haos G'Lobalos!
H'Thethethethet P'Thethethethet, president Clark. P'Rogramos
terminatus N'Definato. B'Thros B'thros G'Hali!"
P: "B'Thros B'thros G'Hali!"
-Matti Aumala

Ivanova and Marcus on the Whitestar:
Ivanova: "Set course to Sigma 235!"
Marcus (to the Minbari crew): "Fallia hella, fallia helle, Chris Waddle:
hethethete Sigma miksa-tre-cinqacinquantecinquecentapentos!"
-Vili Ollila

What Kosh really says before the translating device translates
his speech to understandable form:
"Methethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethe..."
-Vili Ollila

(Scene: Marcus and Shai Alit Neroon standing in corridor, smiling
broadly at camera, and holding orange sticks with a shaft and a
moving handle.)
"Beneres, nek offetta! Tippo magiko! Te Minbari-fighting-Gizmo!
Votidianike funktioni moronico! Novero proposkis molto, molto
kenagrofos! Kefacilitos action-pumpo! So, ne shopping, mea korra:
te Minbari-fighting-Gizmo!"
-Vili Ollila

Eikös se varjojen nimi ole ihan selvä juttu:
Hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethe,hethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
hethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethet
he, Chris Waddle.
Ei ihme, ettei Anna osannut sanoa sitä.
-Janne Jalkanen

***

The Checkout Girl

Ivanova is doing some shopping in the Zocalo.
C: "Tea. Running out of coffee, are you? And some flarn.
It's really tasty, y'know. But not as good as this new delicasy
from Pak'ma'ra. Funny, it tastes like chicken. Don't know what
it is though. Drinking vodka again? You should get some help.
Wow, these Lumaati sex-toys sure look painful. I heard that the
ambassador was coming over again. Is this third time this
month or what? That'll be 69 credits, please."
-Katja Karhu

***

Come on girls!

Sheridan and Narn running to the escape pod in the streib ship.
S: "Quick, quick!"
-Jouko Mikkolainen

***

The Deaf Stuntman

John Sheridan in Z'ha'dum. He is standing on a balcony and
Shadows and Anna are closing in from behind. Suddenly he hears
Kosh's voice.
Kosh: "You don't really have to do this stunt."
Sheridan: "Go to the edge and jump? OK. Wheeeeeeeee!"
-Katja Karhu

***

Did you get everything we need from the store?

Delenn keittiössä tiskaamassa, töröhammas-Sheridan tulee sisään.
D: "Did you get everything from the store that we need for
defeating the shadows tonight, honey?"
S: "Even better than that! I got a vorlon shower cap,
a starfury ejector seat handle, president Clark's miniature
statue and a written statement from the shadows that their
leader is not Bill Gates!"
-Antti Partanen

Delenn on pilkkomassa flarnia kun Sheridan tulee sisään:
D: "Did you get all the ships from the non-aligned worlds we
need for our next battle with the shadows tomorrow, honey?"
S: "Even better than that! I got a miniatyre drazi sunhawk,
a starfury that can dive underwater and a vorlon scout that
sings Frank Sinatra!"
-Matti Aumala

***

Different with boys

Delenn ja Ivanova juttelevat "tyttöjen kesken" Zocalossa:
I: "Your War cruisers are really something, aren't they? If
we had a fleet of them we could fight against the shadows."
D: "Bollocks. Those ships are pretty old. If we have to fight
against the shadows we need a ship with more poke. We are
actually building a new ship called White star. It's faster
and smaller but still capable to create it's own jump point,
very nimble and lots of fire power. And with some new organic
technology from the Vorlons it can actually learn..."
Sheridan liittyy seuraan:
D: "...oh hello John. How are you? Maybe you could help me.
We are building a new ship but I can't choose the colour,
a pink one or a blue one? Which one would go faster??"
-Juha Loukasmäki

***

Does my bum look big in this?

Delenn ja Sheridan sotahuoneessa analysoimassa taktisia kuvioita,
ja yhtäkkiä Delenn, jolla on uusi puku, kysyy Johnilta:
"Does my bum look big in this?"
-Jari Laaksonen

Ivanova (kettuiltuaan Sigma 957:n kivipään takaisin puheilleen):
"Does my bum look big in this?"
-Panu Ruotsalainen

Sheridan tulee Kosh Vaderin luo:
S: "You wanted to see me?"
KV: "Yes. But before we begin, there is a question."
S: "Sure. What is it?"
KV: "Does my bum look big in this?"
-Matti Aumala

G'Kar ja Na'Toth keskustelevat G'Karin hytissä:
G'K: "I will go and face my destiny. We both know this must be done."
N'T: "At least let me go with you."
G'K: "No, I have do this alone. But there is one thing..."
N'T: "Yes?"
G'K: "Does my pouch look big in this?"
-Matti Aumala

Ivanova, in her dream, walks to B5's C&C totally naked, stands
before the screen and asks:
"Does my bum look big in this?"
-Vili Ollila

Draal attached to the Great Machine of Epsilon 3:
"Does my bum look big in this?"
-Vili Ollila

Sheridan is sitting by a campfire in a damp cave, when a tall alien
dressed in a long robe appears:
Sheridan: Does my bum look big in this?
Lorien: Does MY bum look big in this?
Sheridan: Okay, I have to admit, but how come does my bum look so
damn big?
Lorien: You were born.
Sheridan: Oh, wait. I know. It can't be the stat bar, I already
threw it away. It's this lighting, it doesn't go well with my
ragged uniform, right?
Lorien: Well, that's _the question_, isn't it?
-Vili Ollila

***

The Fat Sweaty Coppers

The Fat Sweaty Nightwatch-coppers who got stuck in a corridor.
The Fat Sweaty Psi-Cops
-Ville Salo

***

Dr. Sidney Fraude

F: "I have bad news, Mr Garibaldi. You won't live long..."
G: "Am I... going to die? What's wrong with me?"
F: "... If you don't change your diet."
G: "Oh, you almost had me there! Well, can I get back to work now?"
F: "Of course... Not!
G: "What's that supposed to mean?
F: "I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you have an artificial
personality implanted by the Corp. Your real personality will most
likely be deleted any moment now."
G: "Wait a minute! I thought you can't detect that by any medical
equipment? This isn't funny anymore, Stephen!"
F: "You're absolutely right, I was just kidding. You can go now."
Garibaldi starts to stare Dr. Franklin ominously.
F: "Michael? What is it? You seem a bit odd."
G: "You blew our cover! The corp is the mother, the corp is the
father! I will kill you where you stand!"
F: "Oh shit!" [tries to hide under the desk]
G: "Peek-a-boo!"
F: "Very funny. You almost scared me to death. ARRrggggHHhh"
[crabs his chest]
G: "Stephen! I didn't mean... I'll go get some help!"
F: "Aa-Ha! Got you!"
G: "Ok... This is gone too far. Can I go now."
F: "Sure."
G & F [pretend they're having a heartattack]: "aarrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!"
-Lasse Karhu

***

Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.

"Hello, I am Cynthia Torqueman..."
-Matti Aumala

***

I was very, very drunk.

Scene: Vanha ukko istua rohjottaa nuhjuisessa nojatuolissa takan ääressä.
"Mhhraarhhurhuaa dozens of shadow ships bhhrhmmrmmhhm mh hmgg ghhg the
station explodes! hnmmgg ghhgnn hgnnmmm really big titties hhnd
hnnddmngkk nmgkk khmgnng Han Solo hnggkk nmkkghggrtrt transporter
pad malfunction sends Delenn into a black hole! hngnbkkk gnn knk
hk babb babb bababab nhnkk a truckload of jovian sunspots hbhbbebb
hbhbmnmk bnhg vorlon homeworld bnhh bhwwd bbhnnk. But I do afraid
I was very, _very_ drunk."
-Antti Partanen

Londo brivarilasin ääressä: "Mnsfnm omfn thahm wasamm The third
age of mankind wasm rafl efmwlan Minbari War! Bang! Ziff! Boom!
mobnm smlmnam deep in neutral space mnte ahmn flem nalgmah refugees,
smugglers, businessmen, diplomats thafm losm nrunmg sex mad alien
females!! Htmen mslah our best, last hope for nemtwamr walg masfm
Ambassador Kosh sure seemed surprised and mnam ellnmelm mdaw last
of the Babylon stations mnah onm shizzem tha and I don't really
remember anything else as I was very, very drunk."
-Matti Aumala

Londo jälleen: "Mfnm and I was trying to find the elevator awfm
enrel mamom told him where to stick it mnag flmrm that guy kept
asking me what I want annmef neam enn thann some bloke from the
planet below wnamt emhwn a Na'ka'leen feeder roaming free!! Mawnom
pomnekn huln Ziff! Ziff! Zapp! manm wahn the whole thing was made
entirely out of rubber! Nenn efen wanm Babylon 4! Anf ong relman
menan naked centauri women hnel omgn naln wna Commander Sinclair!
Hahaa! Hohoo! Thananm hemrn wlonn literally gallons of brivari ehn
tha nmmsal loln and for the rest of the year I was just dead drunk."
-Matti Aumala

Londo edelleen brivarilasin ääressä: "Mhnuhmn nmdf fhng Babylon
5 wmngn zghmun pak'ma'ra bathrooms eighnmhm hafhm Purple! Green!
anhm whamwhamwham! blam! Casino gamgnsd fumr njahhfhgm beautiful
dancers boomshabalaba boomsbalaba! mhson metm hogn G'quan eth
hallmhnic was very mad! gah, mahfm ZZZAP! fgjmmhumm shadow ships
mwhm zzima mhomwm whfumg I do not remember anything else because
I'm afraid I was very, very drunk."
-Hanna Koivula

Sheridan Davidille vuonna 2290 maasta irtautumisesta:
"Jfvwaeipovnjo Alexander cnfcrw General Hague was making hcdwhc
Deep Space Nine nienfp Churchill vnwdiv Roanoke fneiq Agrippa
vfdn launch fighters fnai KABOOM nhjrks pang pang pow zap vrwno
I can handle it vnsivn right down their throats njson chrash
boom bang bmsom let us take on prisoners gfnejs still fighting
in brown sector nviwn Delenn came fepfv the Olympic and Nimrod
cnsanc bugged off wnvon... But only thing I remember well is
that I was so drunk I called exploding Agrippa Roanoke and
even kissed that bitch... your mother."
-Jussi Leinonen

Garibaldi sitting in table in one of the Downbelow's bars, with
a bottle he bought from some alien (now almost empty):
"Glxblt grbl mmm gsthwwwww while I was still working in the Mars
Colony brhht bbbb (cough) I met this guy called Frank Kemmer
bwbwbw gmn brarbopabbbazz zvbzz he was a great guy all right
hjghg rbrrrzzwoop he had a sweet little daughter called Lianna
bbhh. Azzz..sbsnsm bbttthh 'Drunk again, Uncle Mike?' snmnnzz
(burp) Then one day I was on an assignment with Frank blltt
gxx grblgrbl... bbb KA-BOOMM! Whizz shshkbb he just blew to
tiny little pieces! grblgrblgrbl (snif, snif) should've saved
him... phht brrt glxblt (snif) nothing much to say, except that
at the time I was very drunk."
-Vili Ollila

In an alternate future: Lennier is sitting in bar with a glass of water in front of him.
GHklrrnmmm, galaxy far far awaydfjjiggrrmmh. Uhtds mmrrtprt a truckload of whiskey.
Mrrhhhgrr grgp dgtrr ppphtht tasted horrible. Rghgggmprtbbbbbtt mht hallusinating,
bbrrrrtp an axe! rnthf Sheridan dhttgggbht rttphn, made a terrible hack of his arm mmmtthn.
Brains! Brains!... Ottprrgy http psychotic. Yymrmhh Delennjuoah rrrhmmgn fucked umh.
Rthggf ftft woohoo. But I really must admit, that I was very, very drunk.
-Katja Karhu

***

I'll get me coat.

Centaureja keskustelemassa:
Centauri 1: "We should have killed all those stinking Narns
when we had the chance."
Centauri 2: "Right, they're just a bloody pain in the arse."
Vir: "We really shouldn't blame them for being angry at us.
We are the ones who conquered their planet in the first place!
Narns used to be a peaceful people and they aren't really all
that bad when you get to know them ... I'll get me coat."
-Matti Aumala

Kolme Psi-kyttää istuu pöydän ääressä jonkin aikaa.
Kyttä 3: "I'll get me coat"
-Matti Aumala

Drazi1: "How do you like my new scarf? I just got it yesterday."
Drazi2: "That shade of purple really suits you. I have something
like that myself."
Drazi1: "What do you think, Drook?"
Drazi3: "Well, actually I prefer green... I'll get me scarf."
-Matti Aumala

(Kyseessä on Shadow Dancingin kohtaus jossa Marcus alkaa heittää
juttua Ivanovan kanssa):
I: "Someday I'd like to be stationed somewhere where's a big
four-poster bed and maybe a window into a garden."
(lähdössä ollut Marcus istuutuu viereiselle sängylle)
M: "I like gardens.. and big four-poster beds."
(Ivanova mulkaisee Marcusta ärsyyntyneesti)
M: "I'll get me cloak."
-Olli Salmi

Zack Allan ja pari muuta hemmoa juttelee baarissa:
H1: "That Julie Musante woman sure was a bitch, wasn't she?"
H2: "Oh yeah, tell me about it..."
Zack: "I dunno, I think she was kind of cute.....I'll get me coat."
-Jarkko Rannila

Vir ja Londo keskustelevat Centauri Primellä. Juuri kun Vir
pääsee kohtaan, jossa hän kuvaa hakkaavansa Cartagian mössöksi,
Cartagia törmää paikalle aamukävelyllään ja kuulee kaiken.
Londo nielaisee ja toteaa:
"I'll get me coat"
ja jättää Virin Cartagialle.
-Mike

A group of Babylon 5 fans with a severe spoiler allergy
convene to watch the last night's episode which they missed.
However, in comes a B5-fan who has already seen the episode
screaming: "Woohooo! The Shadows and the Vorlons have passed
beyond the rim with the rest of the remaining first ones!
The war is over!!!!". After seeing the other's faces, he turns
quickly around, starts running and yells: "I'll get me
coaAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
-Katja Karhu

***

I'm a geezer!

Mr. Morden:
"You can't trust me, I'm a bit whee, a bit whoo, I'm a geezer!"
-Panu Ruotsalainen

PRESIDENT CLARK: Open a Gold Channel to Babylon 5.
(Sheridan's face appears on a screen)
CLARK: What have you done to my station?
SHERIDAN: I've nicked it.
CLARK: What?
SHERIDAN: I've nicked it! I'll nick anything! I'm a little bit wooo,
and a little bit wheee, and a little bit Starkiller. I'm a geezer!
CLARK: You can't just take Babylon 5! It belongs to the Earth Alliance!
SHERIDAN: Not anymore!
CLARK: We'll see about that! I'll call Earthforce!
(Clark presses a button on his desk)
CLARK: Get me through to the destroyers Alexander and Churchill.
SHERIDAN: Sorry, you can't do that.
CLARK: Why?
SHERIDAN: 'Cause I'm nicking them too!
CLARK: WHAT?
SHERIDAN: I'm nicking the ships! I'm a little bit wheee, and a little
bit schwooo, and a little bit urrrr, and a little bit The One Who
Will Be. I'm a geezer! I'll nick anything!
CLARK: Why, you...
SHERIDAN: Sorry, got to go. I'm a bit busy: I'm off to nick the
entire galaxy from the First Ones. End!
(Sheridan's face disappears from the screen)
CLARK: YOU GIVE ME BACK MY STATION AND MY WARSHIPS, YOU... you...
(President Clark turns to face the camera)
CLARK: Bugger.
-jhagglun

***

Isle of Man

ISN reportteri kiertää Lennierin kanssa Down Below:lla:
Kerjäläisakka: We are from the Station of Babylon 5!!!
Kerjäläisukko: Yees... Come to Station of Babylon 5..
Akka: Did you mention the psi-cops?
Ukko: Yees, the frozen psi-cops..
Akka: We are from the Station of Babylon 5...
-Ilmari Lahti

ISN reporter interviews Sinclair:
Reporter: "Is it worth it? Should we just pull back, forget the
whole thing as a bad idea and take care of our own problems at home?"
Sinclair: "No. It's not worth it, but we have to stay here and
there's a simple reason why. We came from the isle of Man."
-Jouko Mikkolainen

Sheridan: "I'm going to Z'ha'dum with Anna. Even though I know
I won't enjoy my stay there. I'm from the Isle of Man."
-Jouko Mikkolainen

***

The Jazz Club

EXT: Iso lauma varjoaluksia avaruudessa, lonkerot väristen.
INT: Mies istuu tuolilla, savuke kädessä. Valot syttyvät, hän
kohottaa katseensa kohti kameraa.
Mies: "Hello, and welcome to Jazz Corner. Marvelous. Tonight,
we have the largest jazz band of them all: The Shadows. Slice
and dice, boys."
Mies kääntyy kohti ikkunaa, kamera ajaa ulkoavaruuteen, valot
himmenevät. Musiikki alkaa soida. Varjoalukset alkavat tanssahdella
musiikin tahdissa. Yksi kaivaa jostain saksofonin ja kietoo
lonkeronsa siihen ympärille ja alkaa soittaa kaihomielistä melodiaa.
Muut jammailevat mukana, ja napsuttelevat lonkeroitaan tahdissa.
Pieni varjoalus tulee etualalle, ja alkaa väräjävällä äänellä laulaa.
Varjoalus: "/#()"!)=#!)("#(!¤/#&/&¤(/!"&(#/&!"/#=(=)(!"=)#(=()// &!
(/&#("/!&#)(!"/=¤)(!=")(#¤)("!&¤(/&!"(/&¤(/!"&¤(/!"&(/¤&!!"
-Janne Jalkanen

"Hello, and welcome to the Jazz Club. Great. Tonight we have the
most spectacular artist of the at-the-moment-non-existent Narn Regime.
Marvelous. Na'Toth, former aide of Ambassador G'kar, is about to
perform some of the greatest solos of famous Narn operas..."
Centauri audience: "AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
-Vili Ollila

***

Ron Manager

Urheilutoimittaja: "Well, that first Narn-Centauri war sure was
interesting, wouldn't you say, G'kar?"
G'kar: "Oh, you know, small Narns in the park, Centauri heads
for goalposts, isn't that, you know, wonderful..."
-Jarkko Rannila

***

Monster! Monster!

Nosferatu in Ivanovas quarters.
Ivanova: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!"
Nosferatu: "NightWatch on B5. Fifty creds for nothing.
It's a steal. MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTER!"
-Otto Väyrynen

***

Ralph and Ted

S: "Errr, Mike, I've been meaning to tell you..."
G: "Yes, sir?"
S: "This is in no way to tell you that _you_ have done something
wrong. It's just that... Well, actually... Mhh, you know the
Centauri delegate that was supposed to arrive a few hours ago."
G: "Yes, sir."
S: "Well, you know the security was your responsibility and if
something happened... This is so hard to say..."
(tässä vaiheessa Kosh kulkee taustalla ja osoittaa kameraan ikään
kuin sanoen "You ain't seen me, roight?")
S: "Now it seems that the measures were not enough and the
Centauri, uhh, Emperor is kind of... And I'm not blaming you,
this is my fault as much as yours... He's err..."
G: "Dead, sir?"
S: "I wouldn't use that harsh a word, Mike, but... Technically a
little, yes, but... What I'm trying to say is that the Centauri
are quite furious and they need someone to blame... I'll go to
talk to them now and tell that it's my fault. So, if we never
meet again, it was nice knowing you. All the best to you and...
Well, carry on."
-Jyri Jokinen

***

Shit.

Sheridan yrittää kuulustella Mordenia. Garibaldi tulee sisään.
G: "Sorry, I'm late. Has either of you seen Anna Sheridan lately."
Morden: "I have. She was still back in Z'ha'dum when I left there."
G&S: "Aa-HAA!"
Morden: "Shit."
-Matti Aumala

***

Someone's sittin' there, mate.

Delenn tulee harmaan neuvoston alukselle ja astuu neuvoston saliin,
mutta vain yhdessä valokeilassa on minbari. Delenn astuu toiseen
valokeilaan.
Minbari: "Someone's standin' there, mate"
-Matti Aumala

Lennier ja Delenn odottavat Sheridania flarn-illalliselle. Sheridan
tulee ja istuu pöydän ääreen.
Lennier: "Someone's sitting there, mate."
-Hanna Koivula

Sheridan rotkon pohjalla Z'Ha'dumissa.
Lorien: Someone's sittin' there, mate.
-Ville Salo

***

Suit you, sir!
Kosh astuu erääseen vaatekauppaan Zocalossa.
Kaksi palvelualtista herraa ryntää tiedustelemaan makuasioita:
S1: Good morning, sir!
S2: How are you today, sir?
K: Good.
S1: Nice suit, if I may say so, sir.
S2: Suit you sir!
K: Yes.
S1: I bet the ladies love it, sir.
S2: They do love the mystery, don't they, sir?
S1: Ooh!
S2: Oooh!
S1: What have you got hidden under there, sir?
S2: Something so mysterious the ladies would kill for, sir?
K: ...
S1: Is IT big, sir?
S2: Bigger than human, sir?
K: Yes.
S1: Ooh, suit you, sir!
S2: Ooh, suit you!
S1: Do you use IT a lot, sir?
S2: Banging all night, sir? It really tires you doesn't it, sir?
K: ...
S1: Have you done it to Delenn yet, sir?
S2: Did she beg for it, sir? Did she want it, sir?
S1: Oh, suit you sir!
S2: I bet it suits her too, sir!
S1: I bet Lyta has seen it too, sir?
S2: I bet you'd like to show IT to everyone don't you, sir?
S1: Exactly, sir. What's stopping you, sir?
K: I would be regognized.
S1: By who, sir?
S2: Please tell us, sir!
K: By everyone.
-Katja Karhu

***

Swiss Toni

Starfury pilotit ovat lähdössä lennolle. Juuri ennen lähtöä
pukukoppien luo tulee Swiss Toni, joka kertoo:
"Flying a starfury is like making love to a beatiful woman:
You take a firm grip, get behind the target and start splashing."
-Toni Koivulahti

Lennier teaches Sheridan to cook.
L: "You know, making a traditional Minbari dinner is a lot like
making love to a beautiful female. You need to put in the spices
in right order or you'll have to start it over again. And you are
not allowed to sleep."
S: "Wow, that's amazing. But I thought you have lived all your
life in a monastery? How do you know so much about how to err...
make love to a female?"
L: "Well, that's an extremely interesting story. When I arrived on
Babylon 5, my new employer, Delenn and I had to perform this ritual
and repeat it every week. In our culture starting a new job means
that the employer and employee come together as one...
But I guess you don't have that kind of rituals on Earth...
I'll get me cloak..."
-Katja Karhu

Lieutenant Corwin enters Sheridan's quarters.
Corwin: "Captain, I just found out that Ivanova is about to
leave somewhere with the Whitestar - alone!"
Sheridan: "Take it easy, David. Let her walk around the docking
bay, she might find some other ship of her liking."
Corwin: "Uh, yes, sir, but I suspect she might be up to something
dangerous..."
Sheridan: "Lt. Corwin, what would you do, if you were on a date
with the woman of your dreams?"
Corwin: "Uh... I don't know. Maybe I'd take her to a walk in Zocalo,
and maybe I'd buy her a drink at Earhart's."
Sheridan: "Wrong. You take her to dinner in the finest restaurant of
the station, then you take her to dance, and when you arrive to
your quarters at night, you carry her over the doorstep."
Corwin: "Sir..."
Sheridan: "Inside your quarters, there should be fine Brivari,
maybe some sweetened flarn, a heart-shaped bed, perhaps a page
or two from the Book of G'Quan on the pillow. You carry her on
the bed, then take off her clothes, but keep your own clothes on.
Nobody wants to see a male member of the C&C staff naked."
Corwin: "Uh, sir, with all due respect, I think Ivanova's leaving
in a couple of moments..."
Sheridan: "David, sometimes you'll just have to be strong and let
the lady go.
Corwin: Sir, she's leaving!"
Sheridan: "In God's name, Corwin, could you just shut up? Can't
you see I'm having a nervous breakdown?"
-Vili Ollila

***

"That's Amazing"

Carl: G'day. My name's Carl Hooper. Welcome to "That's Amazing".
What would you do if you were walking down the road one night and
you came face to face with a a monster? That's right, a terrifying
monster? Well, Mike did just that, came face to face with his wife,
no sorry, with a monster.
Garibaldi: G'day to you, Carl.
Carl: So, tell us about this monster Mike.
Garibaldi: Well, I live in Babylon 5 and there's an area held
sacred by some weird cultists. It's a mystical area, some people
say it's haunted... We call it Grey 17.
Carl: Get on with it, Mike. We want to hear about the monster.
Garibaldi: Yeah, sorry, Carl. Well, one night I'm coming back from
work and there it is, blocking my path... I recognised it instantly.
It was the Bou-You-Gwai-Gwai, the most dangerous lifeform in the
sector, half Freddy Krueger, half reptile.
Carl: So tell me Mike, did it have great huge claws?
Garibaldi: Yep.
Carl: And what colour was it, mate?
Garibaldi: Hard to say, Carl. It was invisible.
Carl: Invisible?
Garibaldi: Totally invisible.
Carl: But you just said it had huge claws?
Garibaldi: That was a guess.
Carl: So, how did you know it was there?
Garibaldi: By the unearthly sound.
Carl: A terrifying roar?
Garibaldi: No, a terrifying silence.
Carl: So you saw and heard an invisible and silent monster?
Garibaldi: That's right. I was terrified, mate. Ever since the
experience I've been on medication.
Carl: I'm still not exactly sure how you know it was there, Mike.
Did it leave a great imprint in the ground?
Garibaldi: No, mate. It was hovering.
Carl: Mike, can you do me a favour?
Garibaldi: Yeah?
Carl: Get off my show.
Garibaldi: I killed it. With my granny's old pistol and steam.
Carl: Off.
Garibaldi: Right, mate.
Garibaldi walks away.
Carl: Next week on the show...
Garibaldi comes back.
Garibaldi: I made a recording. You can't hear a thing.... there'll
be others like me.
Carl: Off!
-Katja Karhu

***

This week/season...

Sheridan astuu ulos hytistään:
"This week I 'ave been mosely eatin' flarn!"
-Matti Aumala

Kosh tulee ulos hyttinsä ovesta:
"This season I 'ave been mosely wearin' my encounter suit!"
-Matti Aumala

Draal: "This year I'll be mosely wearing the Great Machine!"
-Jarkko Rannila

"This week I have been mostly eating spoo."
-Otto Martin

G'Kar astuu ulos hytistään:
"This season I 'ave been mosely eating breen!"
-Hanna Koivula

Bester: "This season I'ave been mosely wearing the Psi Corps badge."
-Vili Ollila

G'Kar: "This week I've mostly been eating Swedish meatballs."
-Toni Koivulahti

Ivanova walks to the C&C completely naked.
"Today I'ave been mosely wearing... AAAAIIIEEEEEEEE!!!"
(wakes up screaming)
-Vili Ollila

G'Kar: "This season I 'ave been mosely wearing a pink eye-patch."
-Katja Karhu

***

Unlucky Alf

Unlucky Alf in the 23rd century:
A:"Now with this revolution and all that fighting going on,
I've decided to stay in my quarters until things cool down a bit."
[EA invasion troops cut a hole in the wall and rush in waving their guns]
A:"Bugger"
-Matti Aumala

Morden and two Shadow creatures enter Kosh's quarters.
Kosh: "Bugger."
-Vili Ollila

[Sheridan Alfin hahmossa menossa kosioretkelle:]
S: "Eeh, I'm goin' courtin' again. A nice lady, she is. Name's Delenn.
Very sophisticated an' philosophical. Likes colourful, triangular
things. Although, y' know, wi' me luck, sumthin'll go wrong again,
though."
[reaching Delenn's quarters]
"Ere we are."
[he pushes the doorbell; the door opens, but before he manages
to go in, his link interrupts him.]
"Bugger."
-Aki Himmanen

Kohtaus Z´Ha´Dumista:
White Star syöksyy kuvusta sisään ja Sheridan hyppää.
Anna katsahtaa kameraan ja toteaa: "Bugger".
-Mike

***

The Unpronounceables

A scene that should've been in WWE, part I:
Lennier (to Sinclair): Reverences. I've expected to meet you for
a very long time, Entil-Zhipp... tl-zhadap.. Zanth-Il..zzhhp...
until..zh...xhadzzrr...
Sinclair: The Entil-Bhazvavn... xh.. bzzz... whatever. I've also
been longing to meet you, Lennier. Delenn has told me a great deal
about you. I believe before you came to Babylon 5, you were
studying in the temple of the Third Fane of Chud... chhz... domz..
chipdix...
Lennier: Yes, in the temple of the Third Fane of Chu..
chechachichozz...dumb.. cha...
Delenn: What is this babbling about? Come, we must hurry.
We must save the universe from....
Sinclair and Lennier: ?
Delenn: ....uh...."Shadows"?
Sinclair and Lennier: Doesn't sound right to me.
-Vili Ollila

Good day, everyone nice to see you here. As you know,
we have refounded the Kkk...,the Kkkk The Kkka... the KH'R...
ummm... The Narn parliament. As our new leader we have chosen
Ga... Ka... Sarak... Gai-rak... ummm. This one-eyed fellow.
-Ville Salo

What did I say, Roy?
Delenn ja Sheridan istuvat komentokeskuksessa ja Delenn selittää
kiihkeästi Ivanovalle:
D: So I said to Kosh that I needed some confirmation of Vorlons'
intentions and he revealed himself to me in his true form and I
said that 'Now I know what must be done'. What did I say, John?
S: 'Now I know what must be done'.
D: And then I went to my quarters and started the machine and
when I next woke up I had this broom growing in my head and I
asked Lennier to get Dr. Franklin. What did I do, John?
S: You asked to get Dr. Franklin.
D: And then he peeled the protective shell and I felt a lot
better. And then I thought this might be a good time to go
meet the council so I almost ran to the council chamber.
There I noticed that my brow was damp and I said: 'Fascinating,
I never perspired before'. What did I say, John?
S: 'Shit, I sweat like a damn pig'.
D: John, you lying prick...
-Jyri Jokinen

Which was nice.
Niin, tosiaan, tässä eräänä päivänä, lennellessäni White Starilla
ympäriinsä, tulin huomanneeksi että telepaatit pelottavat varjoja
ja että meillä saattaa olla ase niitä vastaan ja universumi pelastui.
Which was nice.
-Antti Partanen

Sheridan puutarhassa:
"...And after I had revealed the shadows' plans Delenn took me to
see a brand new fleet of White Star -class ships, and then we kissed...
Which was nice."
-Matti Aumala

Garibaldi keittiössään:
"...Then I decided to check the Book of G'Quan and there it was:
a way to defeat the shadows! ...which was nice."
-Matti Aumala

Londo baaritiskillä:
"...Then I looked up to see what everyone was so dazzled about,
and I saw nothing ...Which was a shame."
-Matti Aumala

Lyta:
"And then those dastardly shadows killed Kosh ...Which was a shame."
-Matti Aumala

Morden:
"And then the White Star crashed in and blew up... mutating me...
Which was a shame."
-Mike

Sheridan Ivanovalle:
"I died, but now I live again... Which is nice."
-Mike

Londo: "...but, at the last moment, the Vorlon planetkiller received
new orders and did NOT destroy Centauri Prime. Which was nice."
-jhagglun

G'Kar: " ...And after the Centauri carved my eye out, I noticed
that I could see things more clearly than before. Which was nice."
-Katja Karhu

Sheridan: After the final battle with Shadows and Vorlons, Delenn
finally gave me, which was nice.
-Mikko J Repka(zynski)

***

You ain't seen me, roight?

Kosh: "I've always been here, roight?"
-Jarkko Rannila

Kosh Londolle puutarhassa:
"You ain't seen me, roight?"
-Matti Aumala

Morden tulee Babylon 5:lle tullin läpi, ja pysähtyy ojentamaan
ID-korttia turvallisuusmiehelle.
Morden: "You ain't seen me, roight?"
-Hanna Koivula

G'kar pakenee vankilasta:
"Ya haven't seen me, roight!"
-Sammakko

Londo lahjoo G'Karin sellin vartijoita.
"You ain't seen me, roight?"
-Katja Karhu